urrmm.. a lot many things, that's generally the way we do things, we have a lot of ideas and brainstorming takes place, then starts the process of elimination and finally one is able to look at one's decisions.
There are plans definitely, ideas... crazy ideas that need to be sorted, over a large period of time I have denied myself for what I am, and so I have not evolved at all in that sense. I have just grown in age and physique, and it's not even that great!
Cutting short the beating around the bush, I have decided that, I need to look closer at myself and try understanding my need, also start shaping up for the future, this blog, my inadvertent haircut and such other things are only pointers to the change that I wish to bring in myself.
Sometimes, however, I fear it all, like after my last post a few things happened to me, I had a kind of in the dumps day as I lost my favorite firki, spilled water on myself, wasn't able to click a simple picture of a butterfly(which I generally manage to do with some patience), stubbed my toes, hit my hand accidentally against things. If I were a believer of such things as omens, I would have had backed off this entire idea of evolving myself, it's almost as if these omens mean that I should not go ahead!
Then again I have denied myself too long, I want to live, breathe, think, speak, exclaim freely, like all other humans around me do about their desires, feelings, fears, sorrows and joys.
Too long I have been too careful, too cautious, it's killing me on the inside, to think twice before I speak, act and overall live life.
This shall be my last whining post, here on I shall post about my life. The life of Anwesha (I chose this name cause it means- 'an explorer' in sanskrit and presently that is what I am! ofcourse it isn't my true name) the explorer is off now and the quest is defined!
So what do you think, will the explorer accomplish her quest?
Is it so much about the accomplishment of a quest than it is about the exploration, the journey itself? In explorations of my own self I have experienced a certain feeling of arrival many times. Yet, that feeling rarely endures before I find something new, before I realize I have transformed and in light of that transformation I find myself exploring again. Those arrivals are comparable to restful stops between what is known and undiscovered horizons. In all, it is a very fulfilling experience, what with the thrill of discovery and the joy of learning more about oneself and everything else. One keeps discovering, stalling, falling, winning and learning. It never stops.
ReplyDeleteAll the best for your quest ahead. I think you will do great!
Firebolt
@FIREBOLT: Mine is a life, I believe lived, there is I think not much difference between my 80year old grandmom and me who has in her lifetime seen the nation achieve independence and the world gone from telegram to sms to video chat. That is her journey, her quest was to outlive her challenges & see her family successful, married and full of kids.
ReplyDeleteIn my life, I have gained independence for myself, there was a journey from the dark days of my childhood, to the days I found out about myself, my last few teenage years- lived, achieved, and loved truly (yes can u believe it, I thank God that it happened with a beautiful straight girl)!
I AM COMPLETE, if I were to be taken to Valahalla today, I am utmost prepared.
and so it is that i wonder what's left of me that i still live? That is my quest!
Yes there's the To COME OUT or NOT TO COME OUT dilemma still unresolved...
@ FIREBOLT : Thanx a lot for replying, I see you hardly blog anymore, yet I await your posts eagerly, you are my connection to life as it truly is...GAY!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the coming out deal unduly. I know our situations might be different but there I was, dying with the burden of keeping a secret and all the fears associated with it (How will my parents react? I don't want to hurt them? What if they throw me out like some have?) I even had a grand plan of "educating" my parents about Queer sexuality. When they would have had attained a certain level of comfort with the issue then I would drop the bomb.
ReplyDeleteThen on one fine Saturday in May 2010 I was made to realize that all that planning was futile. This burden was killing me and if I didn't let it out then, I never would.. not after a decade of execution of this stupid plan.. not even after 25 years. That night I came out to my parents and guess what, I couldn't have been more wrong about all my fears. They were a bit shocked but their love for me stood strong and unwavering. It was then that I knew I was the luckiest kid in the whole world.
Fast forward to two weeks later, and I have decided to give up all labels, including Queer and everything else that goes with it. It was a very careful choice. I still was that same person, same feelings, same thoughts, same heart, same half-brain - only sans labels and identities.
Funny the way life turns out sometimes, isn't it? *smiles*
Oh man, look at the entire essay I have typed out here! And it's nearly half past three in the morning too! Tonight I was just lucky to have successfully sneaked away my Uncle's MacBook. Extremely rare chance, this. Well, I shall make full use of it, shall I?
Yes, it sure is funny the way life turns out.
ReplyDeleteHere's a seriously funny tale, Mum wanted her first child to be a son. She went forth trying the usual customs of bowing at every church, temple, mosque, praying for me to be a son. I am guessing, Dad wanted a daughter...
And turns out that both their prayers have been granted! *huge silly grin*
Hey! I guess this could be a really good blog post to gather a few guffaws!