and most certainly it will not do.
But would it not be better if I were to split myself in two!
As confounded it may seem
A dastardly thing to do
What matters ask I
For it isn't to me a thing that’s new
Every living day
Every human hour
I breathe, I think, but I do still act
That it is not me, that is a fact
What think I might
With all my sprite
But thinking is where the buck stops
For I CAN NOT let it, but rot
Inside of me struggling with all its force
I fear it might just make its way out
and take its own course
But what will it find…
acceptance? Never for its kind
in my words is where it will find
as day after day i follow this sham
to split myself, from
what is me, and what I am !
- 17th Dec. 2010.
So yeah, I wrote this sometime ago, before I had decided to live, live for myself. But since then it's been a long time, and I am miserable, I lock myself in my room daily, and try to explore myself, as to what I am?, what exactly I want from life, how it is going to affect my peers. It is horrid, my moods, my thought process that is, seems to be going nowhere, I am more indecisive than I ever could be, if only Sree was with me...
Mom says that I look like I have just emerged out of a grave and that I should tidy myself up. But this time around when I look into myself and try searching for the strength, I just don't find any. Once again my thoughts shift to suicide and, but, no I am certainly not a coward. It's just that at this moment I am not thinking straight... ha ha.. like I ever will!Yesterday, I came out to an office colleague cum friend, lets call her Smile, that is one attribute in her that is never outdone. She was really all cool about it, but how does it really matter, ok so now one more person knows my true identity. I still wonder how she was able to coax me into saying it, but then I guess I really was in a dark mood since a very long time and couldn't really help it, and yes, I trust her.
In the past there were people who I have told about my true identity, and thought that they might help me evolve, but I guess that just doesn't happen. For a while, they are curious, they ask questions and then I am left to pretty much myself, cause my world is different from their's and well I'm too shy to go find myself a best friend. Although I guess that's exactly what I need now.
Anyways, I am thankful that I have a blog atleast, where I can say all this and more...
I spent a majority of my adolescence trying to find my true identity. I found more than one, donning and shedding each as I evolved along the way. I now identify as nothing (but let's not get into that because it is a bit difficult to explain, though it actually is rather simple in essence.)
ReplyDeleteI was lucky to have turned to the internet early and between reading up on various issues I was dealing with, I also looked for new forums and spaces where I could find people who felt and thought like I did. I did find many of them and it was quite supportive. Eventually, I turned to blogging and then twitter. I met some very amazing folks in the blogosphere and twitterverse. If you read my old my blog, you will find my blogs about them. My blogger friends from halfway across the world supported and helped me when I desperately needed it - without even being asked. If that's not a mark of greatness, I don't know what is.
I hope it turns out similarly for you and that you enjoy your blogging experience to the fullest.
@Firebolt- I have read your old blog-The Freezing Flames, each and every post on it, about all those friends you made and the way they helped you and much much more! It is amazing.
ReplyDeleteInitially I had the feeling that I am a mistake, as in how & why should a girl think like a guy,there was also a complete lack of any information as this topic wasn't being discussed anywhere at all, then I met Sree, she kind of completed me, but that's a long story for another time. Internet was like non existent, there were no books in the library on the questions that I had. Then again I didn't really try hard enough, cause I was completely denying myself and considered my differential thinking to be a phase that would soon pass away.
It was only when Sree & I separated, is when I really came to realise all that was and is...
Anyways I tried thinking straight and that kind of thing, it didn't work for me at all. Instead, I almost on the verge of a breakdown and then Anwesha happened!
*Smiles*
Things are getting back on track, although it's still pretty much darkness all around but yes, I am atleast trying...