My resolve needs fuelling

It's been quite sometime since I visited my space, doesn't mean I have stopped exploring the gay realms. I haven't exactly been busy either. It's just that, the feeling of hopelessness seems to be overriding me, all the time when I think of the future. My talking to no one about all this I guess adds to the cynicism.

I met some one recently who has a lot in common with me, she said so herself! Unfortunately she is straight and that's where it all ends I guess. All the same that doesn't imply that I can't enjoy a little chat with her and be happy about it atleast for a while!

So here's one of my rambles with her. It all began with her haircut as she wanted me to describe it in a word, so off I went, shooting my mouth. The word I gave her is 'Venust' and that's the word I shall use instead of her true name.

Venust: logged in just for u...

  ;)

11:47 AM oh venust is it?

 me: thank you, I appreciate that

  Yes Venust it is

  so..?

 Venust: overwhelming!!

  and

  blush blush blush

  ;)

 me: Yeah I can see that

11:48 AM Venust: he he..

  i love the choice of word!

  eng litt influence huh?

 me: maybe a little

  I don't know whether this is the proper etiquette but dan said so too

11:49 AM Venust: what did dan say?

 me: That it looked good on you

 Venust: the hair cut or the word?

  :p

 me: the haircut,  words to that effect

 Venust: he he...

  she too is generous with the compliment!

11:50 AM like friends!

  :)

  but on a deeper note the word is a combination of love and beauty..

11:51 AM u know the goddess of love...

  Venus.

 me: Yes I do

 Venust: there was phae when i dvelved in greek mythology like none other..

 me: OMG

 Venust: it still fascinates me..

  dont tell me..

  u too..?

 me: I did too

11:52 AM Venust: where were u all this years?

  he he..

  gosh! that sounds cheesy..

 me: right from Kronos to a little beyond hercules and archimdes

 Venust: well, u knw what i meant..

 me: Nope I like the sound of that

 Venust: ;)

  yeah...

 me: :)

 Venust: for that matter..

11:53 AM i did a little comparative study with roman mythology too..

  cos they are parallel u know..

  have too..

  all this was out of academics of course

11:54 AM me: hmm .. I haven't delved much into roman mythology but yeah they are parallel in certain ways..

  I mainly did it outta curiosity

 Venust: me too...

  talk about two little "curious cats"

11:56 AM me: LOLz

 Venust: yeah...

  :D

 me: I hope I am not keeping you from your work

 Venust: nah..

  m getting back to it..

  cos m in midst of it..

  the article i mean...

11:57 AM me: hmm..
that's good then

 Venust: will buzz u once i take a breather again...

  so long from the venust!

  ;)

11:58 AM me: Sure why not.. at your service ma'am..

 Venust: aaaw!

  such a courteous statement..

  sadly now its only restricted to hospitality industry!

11:59 AM me: hmm.. c'est vrai


Writing this itself cheered me up. I might try a few feeble attempts at writing a new blogpost soon! 

Random Rhymes... - I am what I am.

I am what I am

and most certainly it will not do.

But would it not be better if I were to split myself in two!

As confounded it may seem

A dastardly thing to do

What matters ask I

For it isn't to me a thing that’s new

Every living day

Every human hour

I breathe, I think, but I do still act

That it is not me, that is a fact

What think I might

With all my sprite

But thinking is where the buck stops

For I CAN NOT let it, but rot

Inside of me struggling with all its force

I fear it might just make its way out

and take its own course

But what will it find…

acceptance? Never for its kind

in my words is where it will find

as day after day i follow this sham

to split myself, from

what is me, and what I am !

-  17^th Dec. 2010.

So yeah, I wrote this sometime ago, before I had decided to live, live for myself. But since then it's been a long time, and I am miserable, I lock myself in my room daily, and try to explore myself, as to what I am?, what exactly I want from life, how it is going to affect my peers. It is horrid, my moods, my thought process that is, seems to be going nowhere, I am more indecisive than I ever could be, if only Sree was with me...

Mom says that I look like I have just emerged out of a grave and that I should tidy myself up. But this time around when I look into myself and try searching for the strength, I just don't find any. Once again my thoughts shift to suicide and, but, no I am certainly not a coward. It's just that at this moment I am not thinking straight... ha ha.. like I ever will!

Yesterday, I came out to an office colleague cum friend, lets call her Smile, that is one attribute in her that is never outdone. She was really all cool about it, but how does it really matter, ok so now one more person knows my true identity. I still wonder how she was able to coax me into saying it, but then I guess I really was in a dark mood since a very long time and couldn't really help it, and yes, I trust her. 

In the past there were people who I have told about my true identity, and thought that they might help me evolve, but I guess that just doesn't happen. For a while, they are curious, they ask questions and then I am left to pretty much myself, cause my world is different from their's and well I'm too shy to go find myself a best friend. Although I guess that's exactly what I need now.

Anyways, I am thankful that I have a blog atleast, where I can say all this and more...

Random Rhymes...

I write I tear,
I hardly do care,
for there is no one to share.
Then why should I bother to dare?


Put in black and white,
only to put it out of sight,
For I can neither call it my own,
but nor can I disown.


These very words of mine,
beseech me all the time.
Wanting to be heard & responded,
unstoppable, untiring, undaunted...


What do I do?
My options are but very few.
But this time around I shall befriend the new!



Thank you for having read my Random Rhymes. In everyday life I keep writing such untitled random rhymes, but never do I allow them to be read, except to the one I have dedicated.

This one is dedicated to my new acquaintance Firebolt, due to whom I have started on a new quest, rather than thinking of  ways to suicide (not inspired by Ethan Mascarenhas though!)

All the same this is my first Random Rhyme on my blog, hope you enjoyed it, for there are more to come...

What have I decided, what have I put myself into...

My last post ended with a 'yes I have decided' note, so what have I decided?
urrmm.. a lot many things, that's generally the way we do things, we have a lot of ideas and brainstorming takes place, then starts the process of elimination and finally one is able to look at one's decisions.

There are plans definitely, ideas... crazy ideas that need to be sorted, over a large period of time I have denied myself for what I am, and so I have not evolved at all in that sense. I have just grown in age and physique, and it's not even that great!

Cutting short the beating around the bush, I have decided that, I need to look closer at myself and try understanding my need, also start shaping up for the future, this blog, my inadvertent haircut and such other things are only pointers to the change that I wish to bring in myself.

Sometimes, however, I fear it all, like after my last post a few things happened to me, I had a kind of in the dumps day as I lost my favorite firki, spilled water on myself, wasn't able to click a simple picture of a butterfly(which I generally manage to do with some patience), stubbed my toes, hit my hand accidentally against things. If I were a believer of such things as omens, I would have had backed off this entire idea of evolving myself, it's almost as if these omens mean that I should not go ahead!

Then again I have denied myself too long, I want to live, breathe, think, speak, exclaim freely, like all other humans around me do about their desires, feelings, fears, sorrows and joys.

Too long I have been too careful, too cautious, it's killing me on the inside, to think twice before I speak, act and overall live life.

This shall be my last whining post, here on I shall post about my life. The life of Anwesha (I chose this name cause it means- 'an explorer' in sanskrit and presently that is what I am! ofcourse it isn't my true name) the explorer is off now and the quest is defined!

So what do you think, will the explorer accomplish her quest?