Random Rhymes... I Pretend

I dedicate this to you Firebolt and Embers, towards whom I do not have to pretend.

I pretend all the time,
I act, I build a pantomime,
I laugh, I care,
I love, I dare...


Each hour, each day,
I try that I may-
be to this world,
what it expects of me.


Yet, it is nothing more than a bribe,
to which by my own I subscribe.
Yes, it's my own doing,
yes, I've been all along knowing;


that a day shall come... 
When I shall deceive none,
for so tired will my soul be..
It'll break into a 1000 pieces of me.


Only then shall I truly know,
how many will remain and
how many more forgo.


How many pairs of hands,
by my side will stand,
to render me into a whole again..
To shoulder my pieces
& be with me through my winters & rain


Till then I shall be a faithful mirror.
Showing 'them' all they want, 
without any possible error!


-23rd Jan. 2011.


So yeah! that's me to the rest of the world who doesn't know the true me...
I pretend to be an obedient loving daughter to my parents ( I do truly love them, then again I'm angry they don't realise that there are needs beyond just providing for your children )
I pretend to be a well behaved girl to the rest of my family so that my parents are respected in the family circles!
It's only with my younger cousins that I share my true life philosophies, not the gay ones ofcourse..
I pretend to be a good colleague. Always ready to be made fun of, like a jester to my acquaintances and office colleagues and most college friends, so they're cool with me. (half the times the jokes they crack are so lame, so I take that very topic to another untangible direction & am rewarded with loud guffaws, especially from my friend Smile)


So yeah, that's me in real life, I can put on an act pretty easy, actually that's what I am doing most of my living breathing lifetime!
It  has become second nature to me. The very moment that I am with anyone other than myself, it's like a switch is turned on or off as per the social setup surrounding me! Actually thing was that I feared that the second nature was getting over capricious and that's why I gave my true self a chance before it was murdered completely & no one would even come to know! What a weird idea, but you know what?
 It is true!

What have I decided, what have I put myself into...

My last post ended with a 'yes I have decided' note, so what have I decided?
urrmm.. a lot many things, that's generally the way we do things, we have a lot of ideas and brainstorming takes place, then starts the process of elimination and finally one is able to look at one's decisions.

There are plans definitely, ideas... crazy ideas that need to be sorted, over a large period of time I have denied myself for what I am, and so I have not evolved at all in that sense. I have just grown in age and physique, and it's not even that great!

Cutting short the beating around the bush, I have decided that, I need to look closer at myself and try understanding my need, also start shaping up for the future, this blog, my inadvertent haircut and such other things are only pointers to the change that I wish to bring in myself.

Sometimes, however, I fear it all, like after my last post a few things happened to me, I had a kind of in the dumps day as I lost my favorite firki, spilled water on myself, wasn't able to click a simple picture of a butterfly(which I generally manage to do with some patience), stubbed my toes, hit my hand accidentally against things. If I were a believer of such things as omens, I would have had backed off this entire idea of evolving myself, it's almost as if these omens mean that I should not go ahead!

Then again I have denied myself too long, I want to live, breathe, think, speak, exclaim freely, like all other humans around me do about their desires, feelings, fears, sorrows and joys.

Too long I have been too careful, too cautious, it's killing me on the inside, to think twice before I speak, act and overall live life.

This shall be my last whining post, here on I shall post about my life. The life of Anwesha (I chose this name cause it means- 'an explorer' in sanskrit and presently that is what I am! ofcourse it isn't my true name) the explorer is off now and the quest is defined!

So what do you think, will the explorer accomplish her quest?