My resolve needs fuelling

It's been quite sometime since I visited my space, doesn't mean I have stopped exploring the gay realms. I haven't exactly been busy either. It's just that, the feeling of hopelessness seems to be overriding me, all the time when I think of the future. My talking to no one about all this I guess adds to the cynicism.

I met some one recently who has a lot in common with me, she said so herself! Unfortunately she is straight and that's where it all ends I guess. All the same that doesn't imply that I can't enjoy a little chat with her and be happy about it atleast for a while!

So here's one of my rambles with her. It all began with her haircut as she wanted me to describe it in a word, so off I went, shooting my mouth. The word I gave her is 'Venust' and that's the word I shall use instead of her true name.

Venust: logged in just for u...

  ;)

11:47 AM oh venust is it?

 me: thank you, I appreciate that

  Yes Venust it is

  so..?

 Venust: overwhelming!!

  and

  blush blush blush

  ;)

 me: Yeah I can see that

11:48 AM Venust: he he..

  i love the choice of word!

  eng litt influence huh?

 me: maybe a little

  I don't know whether this is the proper etiquette but dan said so too

11:49 AM Venust: what did dan say?

 me: That it looked good on you

 Venust: the hair cut or the word?

  :p

 me: the haircut,  words to that effect

 Venust: he he...

  she too is generous with the compliment!

11:50 AM like friends!

  :)

  but on a deeper note the word is a combination of love and beauty..

11:51 AM u know the goddess of love...

  Venus.

 me: Yes I do

 Venust: there was phae when i dvelved in greek mythology like none other..

 me: OMG

 Venust: it still fascinates me..

  dont tell me..

  u too..?

 me: I did too

11:52 AM Venust: where were u all this years?

  he he..

  gosh! that sounds cheesy..

 me: right from Kronos to a little beyond hercules and archimdes

 Venust: well, u knw what i meant..

 me: Nope I like the sound of that

 Venust: ;)

  yeah...

 me: :)

 Venust: for that matter..

11:53 AM i did a little comparative study with roman mythology too..

  cos they are parallel u know..

  have too..

  all this was out of academics of course

11:54 AM me: hmm .. I haven't delved much into roman mythology but yeah they are parallel in certain ways..

  I mainly did it outta curiosity

 Venust: me too...

  talk about two little "curious cats"

11:56 AM me: LOLz

 Venust: yeah...

  :D

 me: I hope I am not keeping you from your work

 Venust: nah..

  m getting back to it..

  cos m in midst of it..

  the article i mean...

11:57 AM me: hmm..
that's good then

 Venust: will buzz u once i take a breather again...

  so long from the venust!

  ;)

11:58 AM me: Sure why not.. at your service ma'am..

 Venust: aaaw!

  such a courteous statement..

  sadly now its only restricted to hospitality industry!

11:59 AM me: hmm.. c'est vrai


Writing this itself cheered me up. I might try a few feeble attempts at writing a new blogpost soon! 

Showdown with my Sis!

I write, right now as I speak to my sister after a period of 3 days.

Three days ago at around four am in the morning, I came out to her. She was dumbstruck and told me not to be mad, also she mentioned that I must not say things due to outside influence, or cause someone said so. Also she asked me who was my partner and when I replied I hadn't any she again reminded me not to be an ass. After that she went off to sleep asking me to go to sleep too as she had school next morning and I had to go to office. For the next three consecutive days we only looked at each other staring and moving on.

I felt that if she didn't want to come forth and ask me or tell me anything, then I had nothing to say to her either.

Today finally after my friends Smile & the Bollywood chatter box, told me that I was totally being an ass with mad cow disease, that I decided that I must talk to my sister. Upon returning from office, after my sister had, had her dinner, I indicated to her to come to our room. She did. I asked her if she wished to speak to me and after a mutual disagreement over the fact that we were totally being asses, we shared a hearty laugh. She tells me about the farewell they gave to their seniors from standard 10th (She is currently in STD 9)

After a lot of freaking out and calling me- "Are you mad?" for the umpteenth time and saying things like- "What are you gonna tell our dearest parents and what about the rest of the world and just imagine granny's state of mind when she comes to know! I calmly replied, "Yes, each one of them is going to be in one word - SCANDALIZED!" Think about it again, my sister continues with her rants; how will you live alone and who will be there to take care of you, imagine what people will say to our parents. She gives me the example of a maternal cousin who decided to marry an out of the caste guy and she was strongly criticised (but that is because she married a drunk who is a kind of douchebag, all the while thinking that she could save him and all that sorta thing… I wonder sometimes why some girls have this 'go save the guys and they will change after marriage attitude')

I understand that she is apprehensive, she is totally scared shitless. She worries, she frets, she wonders whether I can change!

Finally she gives in and says, I am with you whatever  it is…!

I breathe free, I now have an ally on the home base.

Random Rhymes... I Pretend

I dedicate this to you Firebolt and Embers, towards whom I do not have to pretend.

I pretend all the time,
I act, I build a pantomime,
I laugh, I care,
I love, I dare...


Each hour, each day,
I try that I may-
be to this world,
what it expects of me.


Yet, it is nothing more than a bribe,
to which by my own I subscribe.
Yes, it's my own doing,
yes, I've been all along knowing;


that a day shall come... 
When I shall deceive none,
for so tired will my soul be..
It'll break into a 1000 pieces of me.


Only then shall I truly know,
how many will remain and
how many more forgo.


How many pairs of hands,
by my side will stand,
to render me into a whole again..
To shoulder my pieces
& be with me through my winters & rain


Till then I shall be a faithful mirror.
Showing 'them' all they want, 
without any possible error!


-23rd Jan. 2011.


So yeah! that's me to the rest of the world who doesn't know the true me...
I pretend to be an obedient loving daughter to my parents ( I do truly love them, then again I'm angry they don't realise that there are needs beyond just providing for your children )
I pretend to be a well behaved girl to the rest of my family so that my parents are respected in the family circles!
It's only with my younger cousins that I share my true life philosophies, not the gay ones ofcourse..
I pretend to be a good colleague. Always ready to be made fun of, like a jester to my acquaintances and office colleagues and most college friends, so they're cool with me. (half the times the jokes they crack are so lame, so I take that very topic to another untangible direction & am rewarded with loud guffaws, especially from my friend Smile)


So yeah, that's me in real life, I can put on an act pretty easy, actually that's what I am doing most of my living breathing lifetime!
It  has become second nature to me. The very moment that I am with anyone other than myself, it's like a switch is turned on or off as per the social setup surrounding me! Actually thing was that I feared that the second nature was getting over capricious and that's why I gave my true self a chance before it was murdered completely & no one would even come to know! What a weird idea, but you know what?
 It is true!

Birthday celebrations

It's been sometime since last I posted, but I have to got to a lot to study! EXAMS, the dreaded word is fast approaching.
Anyways, mustn't let my spirits down though...

Red arrow = kite
Purple arrow = my hand.

My birthday comes on the 14th of Jan each year, and that's when I celebrate it too. According to the Hindu calender it falls on the tithi of MAKAR SANKRANTI, the only Hindu festival that never changes date. The festival is celebrated at my place with much ado, with the traditional Til-Gul laddoos shared and Haldi kum kum for ladies and is followed by cake cutting as all my extended family not very melodiously but with all their heart in it sing the customary "Happy Birthday to you..." and some of my younger cousins make additions like "to our cousin from the zoo"!!!

Generally I go to sleep on the 13th of Jan at around midnight after my enthusiastic friends have wished me and I wake up pretty late, as late as before the wishes start pouring over the telephone (I have a large circle of family and friends and well wishers) and after grabbing a quick bite, my Dad and me go kite flying. Oh yeah forgot to mention, with all sorts of delicious snacks and loads of Coke and Glucose to keep us going till around 4.30-5.00 pm

In between that time I enjoy flying kites, holding the firki for my Dad, cursing at the gujju guys from the next building terrace, taking calls from friends wishing me, and generally having a gay time. It is followed later by the family fun that I have afore mentioned.

The cake that my friends Smile & Chatter-box got for me

This year around, I was kind of in a solemn, thoughtful mood just right before my birthday and wanted to be left alone & that sorta thing.
Maybe it was due to the forthcoming exams or the conflict in my mind as was seen in my last few posts.
But Lady luck was smiling on me I guess, cause although the Makar Sankranti celebrations were on 15th followed by my birthday bash, my friends from office dropped in on the 14th armed with a cake. To be precise, my friend the afore mentioned Smile and let's call my other friend The Chatter-box from Bollywood (will tell more about her later) dropped by my place right after office.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I sent my sis to get refreshments, but mom interrupted and made hot potato, onion and other spiced pakoras for my friends while they chatted up my sis and took every opportunity to pull my leg, and they found a jolly good partner in my lil sis ( who is also a chatter-box btw). So it was an out and out jolly, groovy time we had as Smile and The Chatter-box from Bollywood sang and wished me. I was in a kind of startled mood closing to shock all throughout that time. I am not exactly fond of surprises, spontaneous plans work better with me. But with two beautiful girls cheering me on and making an effort to make my day... what more can I say! I drove Smile back home, wanted to get out of my place alone for sometime majorly cause the entire surprise thingy was overwhelming! However, Dad insisted on joining us, so the drive was kind of subdued, but the fresh air got my spirits really up, I wanted to sing...

Next day, the usual Sankranti celebrations occurred as I have mentioned before they do every year. Dad had ordered a cake from TAJ !

In all these overwhelming things forgot to mention(how could I!) that 2 of my 3 close friends, mates from my school days they are, dropped by on 14th, I usually celebrate my birthday on the grand scale the way I like it when we can all get together out of our academic & career routines.

I am sure I have bored any reader to death, but this is one post I do not want to edit, it's as overflowing with thoughts as my mind is with all good things at present.

All in all I had a great time!

P.S. Tried searching for a Tegan & Sara tee, but didn't get one, I guess I should try harder, so I settled on a black turtle neck tee instead, Red & Black are like my soul colors!