gay forever after, but what next!

I realize that so far I haven't posted many real life diary entries.
I've been mostly bantering around, describing all my miserableness & low down feelings.. Can't really help it, when you don't seem to find any substance in your life anymore. Cause although I have come to terms with my being gay forever after, I don't know what next!


For any hetero-sexual in India, life has been well defined-
You grow up, study hard, pass exams, arm yourself with educational degrees, get a job, search a wife/husband, settle down, get a decent house, create respect for your family in society, procreate, bring up children, get them married off & then retire.


Very well defined.


For a homosexual, it's like being the 1st batch student of a newly introduced syllabus for a board exam and there aren't any reference papers or question banks from the previous years!


No wonder I was always so lost. In fact, I am even today!
Cause although I know what I am & what I want and how exactly to go achieving it...
By far, the greatest question is-
When do I decide that I wanna come out?
How do I say it to my parents?
Do I declare it to the world?
Do I change my nationality? and go reside in some nation which allows my kinda people to exist peacefully, by the way, does such a place even exist?


Or simpler still..
Do I fuck it all and simply die...!


the last option though I have decided not to even think about... is nevertheless most tempting!

Knock knock... whos this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!

"Knock knock... who's this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!"


Miserable me: WTF!


Survivor in me: stop your effing, sit up and listen. You've had your time, you've done enough damage, you may leave now, I need to clean up the mess.


Miserable me: You think I do this on purpose? To gain undue attention, you think I love living in the dumps of my mind? You have no fuckin idea, how difficult it is to be all cooped up inside someone. To not be able to breathe, think, dream, do anything without thinking twice about it. All you know is to butt in and show how efficient you are and cause this physical existence to keep existing! What do you achieve? A needless, hopeless existence? Have you even wondered whether I want to be saved, whether I want to survive...


(Survivor in me, cuts off Miserable me, midway)


Survivor in me:  Yes, indeed! You need to be saved... look at yourself... not eating, drinking properly for the past week, giving undue tension to your family, friends. Where do you think all your act is taking you? You want the curtains to drop even before the 2nd Act is performed? So far so good, you have learnt the tricks of trade to successfully live a human life despite all odds, accept my hearty congratulations! But you're not bowing away so soon. There is definitely a reason why you still live on, however miserably it might be.


Miserable me: But it has gone on too far... it has been all too much...

Sindhu tai Sapkal... what did u expect to see?
a well  tailored woman, sitting in a high backed chair in a luxurious NGO office?
this woman is the real deal,
"THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR"

Survivor in me: cut it out, snap out of it... There are people out there in worse situations than yours, like look at Sindhu tai Sapkal- an unwanted girl child... married forcefully at the age of just 9, abandoned at 20 when she was pregnant, gave birth to a child inside a cowshed and no there were no angels beside her! Tried suiciding twice, each time the crying of her only daughter got her back... She altered her name, started adopting street girls, sharing whatever food, shelter, clothing she had with her, just imagine how difficult it must have been for her. She wrote about her life in a book, was asked to give a speech in California! She has been awarded with many laurels, the prize money she used it all on her adopted orphans, not a penny on herself. Today many of the children that she adopted are well educated lawyers and doctors, and some including her biological daughter are running their independent orphanages.


Miserable me: (Vanishes abruptly!)

Survivor in me: *smiles victoriously*

Random Rhymes...

I write I tear,
I hardly do care,
for there is no one to share.
Then why should I bother to dare?


Put in black and white,
only to put it out of sight,
For I can neither call it my own,
but nor can I disown.


These very words of mine,
beseech me all the time.
Wanting to be heard & responded,
unstoppable, untiring, undaunted...


What do I do?
My options are but very few.
But this time around I shall befriend the new!



Thank you for having read my Random Rhymes. In everyday life I keep writing such untitled random rhymes, but never do I allow them to be read, except to the one I have dedicated.

This one is dedicated to my new acquaintance Firebolt, due to whom I have started on a new quest, rather than thinking of  ways to suicide (not inspired by Ethan Mascarenhas though!)

All the same this is my first Random Rhyme on my blog, hope you enjoyed it, for there are more to come...