I Blinked...

I blinked. The sun was in my eyes. I shifted the chair to position myself better across her. She was sitting there looking right back at me.

“Incoming Transmission…”, the mobile message tone broke the trance which was one of the several that I would have in the next three quarters of a hour. I was waiting with her at the airport for her departure. 

Ten days ago I was at the same terminal awaiting her arrival to Maximum city.

She smiled a dopey smile at me, one that I had seen several times over skype and yet considered it to be brighter in person. My thoughts were racing back to that eventful Sunday when I replied to her blog query and also to the email she had sent on my gmail  i.d. The same day evening was spent chatting away to a complete stranger about random stuff. The next week was full of text messages and silly sms jokes, the week after that came the Facebook requests and so it went on. It had cultivated itself into a beautiful relationship.

How I wish I could update that on Facebook!
No, it’s not time yet. Not cause I’m unsure of the relationship but, simply because I am unsure of reactions and I am not yet ready to face the questions yet.

Me & She @ the Kanheri Caves

After five whole months of revelry, we were to finally meet for a real tete a tete. I was unsure of how I should address her and how would I go about to ensure that she had the best of the time. But over the ten days of her stay in my city, everything just seemed to take care of itself without much ado. Plans fell into place like they had always meant to be! A visit to the Gateway of India, the Haji Ali Mosque, a trip to the Kanheri caves and national park with its lion & tiger safari where she thought that those savages and their cubs were cute! Little does she know that one of those lions had recently killed a zookeeper. But all that didn’t matter for now. All that did was she was sitting before me, ready to leave.  I wasn’t. Maybe she wasn’t too.

The last four days that I had spent with her suddenly felt like a distant dream… a mirage!
I knew that it was something I was supposed to get used to, I comforted myself that at least I was having this feeling again and in that I was glad. I wouldn’t forget all those moments spent together.

My day dream was cut short by a smoking-like-chimney arab fellow sitting beside us. She noticed my expression and asked, “you can’t stand smoke can you?” I had just stirred out of my day dreaming and mumbled something incoherent.

The time kept ticking as I made small talk with her while my mind played narrator.

The mobile buzzed again, it was the alarm, it was time to say our good byes.

A short hug, see you soon (on skype ofcourse!) and she was gone past the terminal gates in a blink. This time I did not.

I wanna write..

Among the many things that I have been told to follow as a rule to help discipline my life, I find that to date many have been disregarded absolutely and sacrificed on the altar of modernity while, such which could not have been done away with completely have been modified to suit convienience after having been declared as obsolete.


I find myself thus under substantial conflict whether I should therefore, proceed to follow on or, upturn all civilities inorder to establish my own little niche.


Over the past many months I have allowed my blogspace to suffer in the absolute absence of any going ons in its author's life, but I intend in the near future to abstain from any more of such practices. 


To redeem myself from the ongoing conflict, I shall presently be making a few important announcements. 
It brings me great pleasure to declare that in the near past I have achieved (by the grace of god and the efforts of many around me) circumstances that will definitely provide any individual of my standing, much to rejoice about.

• I have started my journey in the field of publishing, at present I write for the business-to-business publication industry. It has taken me some time and a lot of patience, along with a great number of blessings and goodwill I am sure, to have reached my current position. (I'm told that it is quite difficult for freshers to be allowed a position in business writing, let alone editing.)
  
  
• I passed my second semester of MA in Mass communication and journalism with distinction (81% in the first sem and 83% in the second sem to be precise). I still ask my mum to take a week off during my exams, tagging along with her to the exam hall. She awaits my return after the exam in the waiting room  at the exam hall. Am worrying bout the next sem. I have turned in my assignments with some difficulty, the studying is yet to begin.
  
  
• I have learnt to express myself, finally! This achievement which may sound like the least of things is nevertheless most important to me. My expressions will now dictate the terms of my life, or rather help me live life on my own terms. It feels really good.. I have finally come out to two of my family members, my sis and my mum, in that order precisely. More about that in my next post.
  

P.S. I've so far been elusive, superstitious even.
        I wanna live now, spread the horizons a nick wider,
         I wanna write now and be like this, be myself forever.

Its been long

My last post was written 8-9 months ago.


I could give myself a thousand excuses as to why I haven't been around my blogspace, and yet I would know that I could have written almost daily. Not like there wasn't anything to say. I just wasn't able to make myself say it. Even now as I realise that I am rambling on, I think to myself, but what were the specific reasons behind my prolonged silence?


It could be any of the following reasons,

1. I accepted my existance and but, I am yet apprehensive somewhere in my mind. (It will take some time being myself!)
2. I joined the media publishing unit at my workplace. The challenges seemed as tall as the Himalayas. (What with the bitchy creatures in my team, I have got used to them now and it doesn't matter any more)
3. Exams! The one strong phenomenon which repeatedly makes me feel like a nervous kid. (Persuing my masters, so far so good. Keeping my fingers crossed, while I worry my head off!)
4. Trying to make time for family responsibilities, while at the same time finding time for myself to meet up with friends. (I've hardly had any alone time lately.
5. I think some one is stalking me on cyberspace (I mean IT!)
6. I was given additional responsibility which meant that I was single handedly churning out two B2B magazines, one monthly and the other bi-monthly. ( It was madness in the beginning, but I got used to this too, by God's grace I must say! I didn't know that I had it in me..) This is the major reason.

Anyways, all said and done. There have been BIG changes in my life lately. The quest has taken many new happy and a few not so happy turns.

Will talk about them soon.

Random Rhymes- I wanna run away

I wanna run away, on a rainbow to a place full of bright 
sunshine, where the flowers bloom and it never is twilight!
a place where you just can't define 
and yet everything is align
to the rays of sunlight cutting out of the skies
eclipsed by the clouds' dark ties.


Where the dew seems to linger
a little bit longer
despite the breaking dawn's
might, to send it away from the leaves and lawns.


I wanna swim away to sunny shores lonely
from the human touch, to watch the surf idly
as I sit back in the warm golden sands
and feel it slip through my hands
while I watch the moon take its place
besides the stars and planets from outer space.


I wanna fly away to alcoves in
the snow peaked mountains, for a spin.
Watching the one place on earth that will not be fenced
for security, for defense, for offence or any other pretense.

I wanna be away
from the illusion of control in anyway


-17th Feb. 2011.


I've been busy with nothing lately, everything seems to be hazy, muddled up, a lot of new topics are brought into my conscious, I think of various new topics to post on my blog but never end up writing them.


Am down with a bad cold.. that is the only health related problem that can actually make me freak out.. I don't mind being cut, scratched, burnt, any sort of aches, but Cold.. I mind very much... it kinda chokes me.. I have had this little bronchital thing in my childhood and it hasn't really gone away. Alright, I have bored you enough with illnesses, I actually hate talking about not being well. If ever I am unwell no one ever knows unless I am in a critical life or death situation in which case the poor doctors are trying to set me alright and that is about the only info you will get related to me not being well.


Yeah I hate being weak, I never complain about illnesses and if I am too bad, you simply won't see me cause i will be cooped up in my room and take an off from whatever is up for that day.. so no one has really seen me lying down .. complaining or cribbing about not being well or stuff like that.


So yeah, that's the reason I haven't been around my virtual space for such a long.

Just a conversation

12:07:33 my big brother 

If I may say..... good morning ma'm

12:07:47 me 

good morning, Sir

12:08:11 my big brother 

and... hows life?

12:08:29 me 

you must ask that to life itself!

12:08:40 my big brother 

whose life?

12:09:05 me 

12:11:05 my big brother 

busy icon? u really busy or just pretending

12:11:17 me 

trying

12:11:51 my big brother 

trying for what?

12:12:43 me 

my world is a world of words, they may mean nothing at times and yet they are everything to anyone who can understand

12:13:15 me 

Lets cut out all the pride and deception..

12:13:25 me 

you tell me me, wassup with you?

12:13:43 my big brother 

arrrrgh... chkkar aali mala (You make me feel dizzy)

12:13:5

my big brother you are good content writer

12:14:12 me 

Thank you for the compliment

12:14:27 me 

but I am still stuck with red heads

12:14:54 my big brother 

you can write things that nobody will understand yet feel fascinated about ur writing

12:14:57 my big brother 

hehehehe

12:15:37 my big brother 

then try somewhere else na... Y are u wasting time... urs and there as well

12:15:50 my big brother 

their*

12:17:44 me 

Yes, I do feel that way at times, but most of us Humans share this streak of self depreciation and encouragement is usually a hard to come thing, more expensive than onions!

Birthday celebrations

It's been sometime since last I posted, but I have to got to a lot to study! EXAMS, the dreaded word is fast approaching.
Anyways, mustn't let my spirits down though...

Red arrow = kite
Purple arrow = my hand.

My birthday comes on the 14th of Jan each year, and that's when I celebrate it too. According to the Hindu calender it falls on the tithi of MAKAR SANKRANTI, the only Hindu festival that never changes date. The festival is celebrated at my place with much ado, with the traditional Til-Gul laddoos shared and Haldi kum kum for ladies and is followed by cake cutting as all my extended family not very melodiously but with all their heart in it sing the customary "Happy Birthday to you..." and some of my younger cousins make additions like "to our cousin from the zoo"!!!

Generally I go to sleep on the 13th of Jan at around midnight after my enthusiastic friends have wished me and I wake up pretty late, as late as before the wishes start pouring over the telephone (I have a large circle of family and friends and well wishers) and after grabbing a quick bite, my Dad and me go kite flying. Oh yeah forgot to mention, with all sorts of delicious snacks and loads of Coke and Glucose to keep us going till around 4.30-5.00 pm

In between that time I enjoy flying kites, holding the firki for my Dad, cursing at the gujju guys from the next building terrace, taking calls from friends wishing me, and generally having a gay time. It is followed later by the family fun that I have afore mentioned.

The cake that my friends Smile & Chatter-box got for me

This year around, I was kind of in a solemn, thoughtful mood just right before my birthday and wanted to be left alone & that sorta thing.
Maybe it was due to the forthcoming exams or the conflict in my mind as was seen in my last few posts.
But Lady luck was smiling on me I guess, cause although the Makar Sankranti celebrations were on 15th followed by my birthday bash, my friends from office dropped in on the 14th armed with a cake. To be precise, my friend the afore mentioned Smile and let's call my other friend The Chatter-box from Bollywood (will tell more about her later) dropped by my place right after office.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I sent my sis to get refreshments, but mom interrupted and made hot potato, onion and other spiced pakoras for my friends while they chatted up my sis and took every opportunity to pull my leg, and they found a jolly good partner in my lil sis ( who is also a chatter-box btw). So it was an out and out jolly, groovy time we had as Smile and The Chatter-box from Bollywood sang and wished me. I was in a kind of startled mood closing to shock all throughout that time. I am not exactly fond of surprises, spontaneous plans work better with me. But with two beautiful girls cheering me on and making an effort to make my day... what more can I say! I drove Smile back home, wanted to get out of my place alone for sometime majorly cause the entire surprise thingy was overwhelming! However, Dad insisted on joining us, so the drive was kind of subdued, but the fresh air got my spirits really up, I wanted to sing...

Next day, the usual Sankranti celebrations occurred as I have mentioned before they do every year. Dad had ordered a cake from TAJ !

In all these overwhelming things forgot to mention(how could I!) that 2 of my 3 close friends, mates from my school days they are, dropped by on 14th, I usually celebrate my birthday on the grand scale the way I like it when we can all get together out of our academic & career routines.

I am sure I have bored any reader to death, but this is one post I do not want to edit, it's as overflowing with thoughts as my mind is with all good things at present.

All in all I had a great time!

P.S. Tried searching for a Tegan & Sara tee, but didn't get one, I guess I should try harder, so I settled on a black turtle neck tee instead, Red & Black are like my soul colors!

Knock knock... whos this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!

"Knock knock... who's this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!"


Miserable me: WTF!


Survivor in me: stop your effing, sit up and listen. You've had your time, you've done enough damage, you may leave now, I need to clean up the mess.


Miserable me: You think I do this on purpose? To gain undue attention, you think I love living in the dumps of my mind? You have no fuckin idea, how difficult it is to be all cooped up inside someone. To not be able to breathe, think, dream, do anything without thinking twice about it. All you know is to butt in and show how efficient you are and cause this physical existence to keep existing! What do you achieve? A needless, hopeless existence? Have you even wondered whether I want to be saved, whether I want to survive...


(Survivor in me, cuts off Miserable me, midway)


Survivor in me:  Yes, indeed! You need to be saved... look at yourself... not eating, drinking properly for the past week, giving undue tension to your family, friends. Where do you think all your act is taking you? You want the curtains to drop even before the 2nd Act is performed? So far so good, you have learnt the tricks of trade to successfully live a human life despite all odds, accept my hearty congratulations! But you're not bowing away so soon. There is definitely a reason why you still live on, however miserably it might be.


Miserable me: But it has gone on too far... it has been all too much...

Sindhu tai Sapkal... what did u expect to see?
a well  tailored woman, sitting in a high backed chair in a luxurious NGO office?
this woman is the real deal,
"THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR"

Survivor in me: cut it out, snap out of it... There are people out there in worse situations than yours, like look at Sindhu tai Sapkal- an unwanted girl child... married forcefully at the age of just 9, abandoned at 20 when she was pregnant, gave birth to a child inside a cowshed and no there were no angels beside her! Tried suiciding twice, each time the crying of her only daughter got her back... She altered her name, started adopting street girls, sharing whatever food, shelter, clothing she had with her, just imagine how difficult it must have been for her. She wrote about her life in a book, was asked to give a speech in California! She has been awarded with many laurels, the prize money she used it all on her adopted orphans, not a penny on herself. Today many of the children that she adopted are well educated lawyers and doctors, and some including her biological daughter are running their independent orphanages.


Miserable me: (Vanishes abruptly!)

Survivor in me: *smiles victoriously*

Random Rhymes... - I am what I am.

I am what I am

and most certainly it will not do.

But would it not be better if I were to split myself in two!

As confounded it may seem

A dastardly thing to do

What matters ask I

For it isn't to me a thing that’s new

Every living day

Every human hour

I breathe, I think, but I do still act

That it is not me, that is a fact

What think I might

With all my sprite

But thinking is where the buck stops

For I CAN NOT let it, but rot

Inside of me struggling with all its force

I fear it might just make its way out

and take its own course

But what will it find…

acceptance? Never for its kind

in my words is where it will find

as day after day i follow this sham

to split myself, from

what is me, and what I am !

-  17^th Dec. 2010.

So yeah, I wrote this sometime ago, before I had decided to live, live for myself. But since then it's been a long time, and I am miserable, I lock myself in my room daily, and try to explore myself, as to what I am?, what exactly I want from life, how it is going to affect my peers. It is horrid, my moods, my thought process that is, seems to be going nowhere, I am more indecisive than I ever could be, if only Sree was with me...

Mom says that I look like I have just emerged out of a grave and that I should tidy myself up. But this time around when I look into myself and try searching for the strength, I just don't find any. Once again my thoughts shift to suicide and, but, no I am certainly not a coward. It's just that at this moment I am not thinking straight... ha ha.. like I ever will!

Yesterday, I came out to an office colleague cum friend, lets call her Smile, that is one attribute in her that is never outdone. She was really all cool about it, but how does it really matter, ok so now one more person knows my true identity. I still wonder how she was able to coax me into saying it, but then I guess I really was in a dark mood since a very long time and couldn't really help it, and yes, I trust her. 

In the past there were people who I have told about my true identity, and thought that they might help me evolve, but I guess that just doesn't happen. For a while, they are curious, they ask questions and then I am left to pretty much myself, cause my world is different from their's and well I'm too shy to go find myself a best friend. Although I guess that's exactly what I need now.

Anyways, I am thankful that I have a blog atleast, where I can say all this and more...

Random Rhymes...

I write I tear,
I hardly do care,
for there is no one to share.
Then why should I bother to dare?


Put in black and white,
only to put it out of sight,
For I can neither call it my own,
but nor can I disown.


These very words of mine,
beseech me all the time.
Wanting to be heard & responded,
unstoppable, untiring, undaunted...


What do I do?
My options are but very few.
But this time around I shall befriend the new!



Thank you for having read my Random Rhymes. In everyday life I keep writing such untitled random rhymes, but never do I allow them to be read, except to the one I have dedicated.

This one is dedicated to my new acquaintance Firebolt, due to whom I have started on a new quest, rather than thinking of  ways to suicide (not inspired by Ethan Mascarenhas though!)

All the same this is my first Random Rhyme on my blog, hope you enjoyed it, for there are more to come...