gay forever after, but what next!

I realize that so far I haven't posted many real life diary entries.
I've been mostly bantering around, describing all my miserableness & low down feelings.. Can't really help it, when you don't seem to find any substance in your life anymore. Cause although I have come to terms with my being gay forever after, I don't know what next!


For any hetero-sexual in India, life has been well defined-
You grow up, study hard, pass exams, arm yourself with educational degrees, get a job, search a wife/husband, settle down, get a decent house, create respect for your family in society, procreate, bring up children, get them married off & then retire.


Very well defined.


For a homosexual, it's like being the 1st batch student of a newly introduced syllabus for a board exam and there aren't any reference papers or question banks from the previous years!


No wonder I was always so lost. In fact, I am even today!
Cause although I know what I am & what I want and how exactly to go achieving it...
By far, the greatest question is-
When do I decide that I wanna come out?
How do I say it to my parents?
Do I declare it to the world?
Do I change my nationality? and go reside in some nation which allows my kinda people to exist peacefully, by the way, does such a place even exist?


Or simpler still..
Do I fuck it all and simply die...!


the last option though I have decided not to even think about... is nevertheless most tempting!

Patriotism and all that sorta thing...

A happy republic day to all.

By now, almost every Indian on facebook has made atleast a single mention about the republic day in their statuses, some stating the obvious in the form of wishes, yet others cribbing about the state of our nation. I see a lot of posts saluting our nations' soldiers and thanking them for the freedom we enjoy in our daily lives.

All of the above statements are true, but there is a huge class out there that remains to be the unsung heroes of India's success in the past few years from the time we achieved freedom.

I am talking about your and mine- fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, grand ma's and grand pa's...

You might wonder, why mention them? They did nothing specific for this nation.. but ponder over the next few lines.

Working class,
mostly tax payers,
mostly observing state made laws,
mostly wanting nothing more than a peaceful life!

For a nation which has just received freedom, it is not enough to have burning patriotism and fighting spirit alone.

It needs willing citizens ready to do its bidding, do work for it, in any capacity possible. I am sure most of your predecessors have worked as government employees under various capacities, yet others have started their own businesses and lived what you might call very boring everyday lives, only to retire at the age of about 60.

These COMMON MEN & WOMEN are the unsung heroes of our nation, whose everyday contribution through their boringly monotonous lives have brought such stability to our nation which it required to become- today one of the most respected nations. Stability is the most essential factor to any nation looking for a glorious future and it has been established in India through the efforts of our preceding generations.

The world has seen many nation states achieve freedom only to titularly call themselves a Republic; only to be dangerously used by developed nations for their own vested interests or be doomed to slavery by its own ruling class. Many small African nations are a burning example of this.

All said and done, I pay my greatest respects and salutations to the Boring Common Man from the working classes, whose monotonous yet stable life cycles have allowed our nation achieve maximum success.

By far, we might not be the best governed, best in resources, or as such any superlatives when it comes to describing a nation.

Yet, India HAS BEEN, IS NOW and 


WILL ALWAYS BE a nation looked at 


with RESPECT!

Random Rhymes... I Pretend

I dedicate this to you Firebolt and Embers, towards whom I do not have to pretend.

I pretend all the time,
I act, I build a pantomime,
I laugh, I care,
I love, I dare...


Each hour, each day,
I try that I may-
be to this world,
what it expects of me.


Yet, it is nothing more than a bribe,
to which by my own I subscribe.
Yes, it's my own doing,
yes, I've been all along knowing;


that a day shall come... 
When I shall deceive none,
for so tired will my soul be..
It'll break into a 1000 pieces of me.


Only then shall I truly know,
how many will remain and
how many more forgo.


How many pairs of hands,
by my side will stand,
to render me into a whole again..
To shoulder my pieces
& be with me through my winters & rain


Till then I shall be a faithful mirror.
Showing 'them' all they want, 
without any possible error!


-23rd Jan. 2011.


So yeah! that's me to the rest of the world who doesn't know the true me...
I pretend to be an obedient loving daughter to my parents ( I do truly love them, then again I'm angry they don't realise that there are needs beyond just providing for your children )
I pretend to be a well behaved girl to the rest of my family so that my parents are respected in the family circles!
It's only with my younger cousins that I share my true life philosophies, not the gay ones ofcourse..
I pretend to be a good colleague. Always ready to be made fun of, like a jester to my acquaintances and office colleagues and most college friends, so they're cool with me. (half the times the jokes they crack are so lame, so I take that very topic to another untangible direction & am rewarded with loud guffaws, especially from my friend Smile)


So yeah, that's me in real life, I can put on an act pretty easy, actually that's what I am doing most of my living breathing lifetime!
It  has become second nature to me. The very moment that I am with anyone other than myself, it's like a switch is turned on or off as per the social setup surrounding me! Actually thing was that I feared that the second nature was getting over capricious and that's why I gave my true self a chance before it was murdered completely & no one would even come to know! What a weird idea, but you know what?
 It is true!

Birthday celebrations

It's been sometime since last I posted, but I have to got to a lot to study! EXAMS, the dreaded word is fast approaching.
Anyways, mustn't let my spirits down though...

Red arrow = kite
Purple arrow = my hand.

My birthday comes on the 14th of Jan each year, and that's when I celebrate it too. According to the Hindu calender it falls on the tithi of MAKAR SANKRANTI, the only Hindu festival that never changes date. The festival is celebrated at my place with much ado, with the traditional Til-Gul laddoos shared and Haldi kum kum for ladies and is followed by cake cutting as all my extended family not very melodiously but with all their heart in it sing the customary "Happy Birthday to you..." and some of my younger cousins make additions like "to our cousin from the zoo"!!!

Generally I go to sleep on the 13th of Jan at around midnight after my enthusiastic friends have wished me and I wake up pretty late, as late as before the wishes start pouring over the telephone (I have a large circle of family and friends and well wishers) and after grabbing a quick bite, my Dad and me go kite flying. Oh yeah forgot to mention, with all sorts of delicious snacks and loads of Coke and Glucose to keep us going till around 4.30-5.00 pm

In between that time I enjoy flying kites, holding the firki for my Dad, cursing at the gujju guys from the next building terrace, taking calls from friends wishing me, and generally having a gay time. It is followed later by the family fun that I have afore mentioned.

The cake that my friends Smile & Chatter-box got for me

This year around, I was kind of in a solemn, thoughtful mood just right before my birthday and wanted to be left alone & that sorta thing.
Maybe it was due to the forthcoming exams or the conflict in my mind as was seen in my last few posts.
But Lady luck was smiling on me I guess, cause although the Makar Sankranti celebrations were on 15th followed by my birthday bash, my friends from office dropped in on the 14th armed with a cake. To be precise, my friend the afore mentioned Smile and let's call my other friend The Chatter-box from Bollywood (will tell more about her later) dropped by my place right after office.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I sent my sis to get refreshments, but mom interrupted and made hot potato, onion and other spiced pakoras for my friends while they chatted up my sis and took every opportunity to pull my leg, and they found a jolly good partner in my lil sis ( who is also a chatter-box btw). So it was an out and out jolly, groovy time we had as Smile and The Chatter-box from Bollywood sang and wished me. I was in a kind of startled mood closing to shock all throughout that time. I am not exactly fond of surprises, spontaneous plans work better with me. But with two beautiful girls cheering me on and making an effort to make my day... what more can I say! I drove Smile back home, wanted to get out of my place alone for sometime majorly cause the entire surprise thingy was overwhelming! However, Dad insisted on joining us, so the drive was kind of subdued, but the fresh air got my spirits really up, I wanted to sing...

Next day, the usual Sankranti celebrations occurred as I have mentioned before they do every year. Dad had ordered a cake from TAJ !

In all these overwhelming things forgot to mention(how could I!) that 2 of my 3 close friends, mates from my school days they are, dropped by on 14th, I usually celebrate my birthday on the grand scale the way I like it when we can all get together out of our academic & career routines.

I am sure I have bored any reader to death, but this is one post I do not want to edit, it's as overflowing with thoughts as my mind is with all good things at present.

All in all I had a great time!

P.S. Tried searching for a Tegan & Sara tee, but didn't get one, I guess I should try harder, so I settled on a black turtle neck tee instead, Red & Black are like my soul colors!

2 Decades & 2 Years!

A wish to myself-


"Fly free and happy beyond birthdays and across forever,
and we'll meet now and then when we wish,
in the midst of the one celebration that never can end."

- Richard Bach

Yeah, I am as old as 2 decades and 2 years.
22 years ago I was born into my family, as a mother endlessly prayed that the first born be a son, while my dad wanted a daughter and GOD said tathastu (granted) to both their wishes... *smiles* and I was born, the most happily GAY thing that ever could exist in my family!


Jokes apart, this shall be my most memorable one since I have come to terms with myself. it's like being born anew and re-learning my basics. 


As of now no plans have been scheduled, as always I am the procrastinator, but then again I like making abrupt plans. It is more enjoyable that ways, more spontaneous and lively!


- the explorer on a quest.

Knock knock... whos this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!

"Knock knock... who's this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!"


Miserable me: WTF!


Survivor in me: stop your effing, sit up and listen. You've had your time, you've done enough damage, you may leave now, I need to clean up the mess.


Miserable me: You think I do this on purpose? To gain undue attention, you think I love living in the dumps of my mind? You have no fuckin idea, how difficult it is to be all cooped up inside someone. To not be able to breathe, think, dream, do anything without thinking twice about it. All you know is to butt in and show how efficient you are and cause this physical existence to keep existing! What do you achieve? A needless, hopeless existence? Have you even wondered whether I want to be saved, whether I want to survive...


(Survivor in me, cuts off Miserable me, midway)


Survivor in me:  Yes, indeed! You need to be saved... look at yourself... not eating, drinking properly for the past week, giving undue tension to your family, friends. Where do you think all your act is taking you? You want the curtains to drop even before the 2nd Act is performed? So far so good, you have learnt the tricks of trade to successfully live a human life despite all odds, accept my hearty congratulations! But you're not bowing away so soon. There is definitely a reason why you still live on, however miserably it might be.


Miserable me: But it has gone on too far... it has been all too much...

Sindhu tai Sapkal... what did u expect to see?
a well  tailored woman, sitting in a high backed chair in a luxurious NGO office?
this woman is the real deal,
"THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR"

Survivor in me: cut it out, snap out of it... There are people out there in worse situations than yours, like look at Sindhu tai Sapkal- an unwanted girl child... married forcefully at the age of just 9, abandoned at 20 when she was pregnant, gave birth to a child inside a cowshed and no there were no angels beside her! Tried suiciding twice, each time the crying of her only daughter got her back... She altered her name, started adopting street girls, sharing whatever food, shelter, clothing she had with her, just imagine how difficult it must have been for her. She wrote about her life in a book, was asked to give a speech in California! She has been awarded with many laurels, the prize money she used it all on her adopted orphans, not a penny on herself. Today many of the children that she adopted are well educated lawyers and doctors, and some including her biological daughter are running their independent orphanages.


Miserable me: (Vanishes abruptly!)

Survivor in me: *smiles victoriously*

Random Rhymes... - I am what I am.

I am what I am

and most certainly it will not do.

But would it not be better if I were to split myself in two!

As confounded it may seem

A dastardly thing to do

What matters ask I

For it isn't to me a thing that’s new

Every living day

Every human hour

I breathe, I think, but I do still act

That it is not me, that is a fact

What think I might

With all my sprite

But thinking is where the buck stops

For I CAN NOT let it, but rot

Inside of me struggling with all its force

I fear it might just make its way out

and take its own course

But what will it find…

acceptance? Never for its kind

in my words is where it will find

as day after day i follow this sham

to split myself, from

what is me, and what I am !

-  17^th Dec. 2010.

So yeah, I wrote this sometime ago, before I had decided to live, live for myself. But since then it's been a long time, and I am miserable, I lock myself in my room daily, and try to explore myself, as to what I am?, what exactly I want from life, how it is going to affect my peers. It is horrid, my moods, my thought process that is, seems to be going nowhere, I am more indecisive than I ever could be, if only Sree was with me...

Mom says that I look like I have just emerged out of a grave and that I should tidy myself up. But this time around when I look into myself and try searching for the strength, I just don't find any. Once again my thoughts shift to suicide and, but, no I am certainly not a coward. It's just that at this moment I am not thinking straight... ha ha.. like I ever will!

Yesterday, I came out to an office colleague cum friend, lets call her Smile, that is one attribute in her that is never outdone. She was really all cool about it, but how does it really matter, ok so now one more person knows my true identity. I still wonder how she was able to coax me into saying it, but then I guess I really was in a dark mood since a very long time and couldn't really help it, and yes, I trust her. 

In the past there were people who I have told about my true identity, and thought that they might help me evolve, but I guess that just doesn't happen. For a while, they are curious, they ask questions and then I am left to pretty much myself, cause my world is different from their's and well I'm too shy to go find myself a best friend. Although I guess that's exactly what I need now.

Anyways, I am thankful that I have a blog atleast, where I can say all this and more...

I hate music (except instrumental)

I am a bit curious myself about why it is so, that is why I ain't a music person at all. I used to not listen to any kind of music except for the hymns sung during school prayers. Suddenly, I join junior college and music is like a bonding streak amongst all and sundry. Thank God books are too.


But there it is, even today I dont really like music of any sort except certain instrumental stuff and a band called The Dubliners and yeah the marathi music composer brothers duo-  Ajay-Atul.

Today for the first time, I heard Tegan and Sara and am so totally in love with some of their composition-performances. My favorite is The First!

Yes, I do realize that my exploring streak is really tingling now!

Random Rhymes...

I write I tear,
I hardly do care,
for there is no one to share.
Then why should I bother to dare?


Put in black and white,
only to put it out of sight,
For I can neither call it my own,
but nor can I disown.


These very words of mine,
beseech me all the time.
Wanting to be heard & responded,
unstoppable, untiring, undaunted...


What do I do?
My options are but very few.
But this time around I shall befriend the new!



Thank you for having read my Random Rhymes. In everyday life I keep writing such untitled random rhymes, but never do I allow them to be read, except to the one I have dedicated.

This one is dedicated to my new acquaintance Firebolt, due to whom I have started on a new quest, rather than thinking of  ways to suicide (not inspired by Ethan Mascarenhas though!)

All the same this is my first Random Rhyme on my blog, hope you enjoyed it, for there are more to come...

Watchudoin? M flyin kites, wanna join?

One of my favorite things to do in the month of January is to go on a kite flying spree whenever I can find the time to.
Today I found the perfect opportunity to do exactly that. I collected my newly bought firki (since I lost my old cherished one in the local train, sob..), a couple of kites tucked away under my arm, cellphone in my shorts, a blade and cello-tape in case any of my kites needed surgery. As I walked up to my building's terrace, I got a call from a friend, she asked me, "Watchudoin?"
I replied nonchalantly, "m flyin kites, wanna join?
Well she couldn't as she had exam preps so, I promised her that I would put up Facebook updates for her which she can check on her mobile (but can't comment cause her chuglikhor bro will let her parents know!).
here's the updates-

The little speck above the arrow in the adjoining image is my kite, the larger speck is a bird called the kite!

"goin kite flyng, checkng my new firki, miss my old one..."

Sunday at 4:56pm via Nokia ·

"‎6 kites down, while mine stil fluttrs proudly!
I gues d new firki is equaly lucky"

Sunday at 5:09pm ·

"6 kites down in les dan 10 mins, dats a recrd 4 me, bt i spoke 2 soon i gues, i jst rippd d conectng chord 2 ma kite"

Sunday at 5:13pm via Nokia · 

"gt a new1 its red & i jst mnagd 2 gt 2 mor down,dt tks ma scor 2, 8.. Also i gt a fingr cut.
Hop u r enjyng d live comentry my frnd...
Mis u holdng my firki & cursng dose damnd gujju guys most!"

Sunday at 5:29pm via Nokia ·

"bzy txtng,wsnt payin attention 2 my kite... Ouch! Anodr fingr cut & dose damnd gujju guys frm d nxt bldg hav sucsfuly cut my kite.. No hard feelngs. Vengeance shal b mine!"

Sunday at 5:36pm ·

After the last FB update, I received a call for confirmation of my exams. I am studying along with doing a job, more about that later.

Maybe it was that  I was too worried to enjoy my kite flying skills anymore, maybe the wind was just not good enough, or maybe it was those loud mouthed noisy guys from the next building, who were by now betting over whether I am a guy or a girl. I was just too pissed and picked up the remaining of my kites, firki and trudged back to my home.

So yeah, I like doing things that girls generally don't, that much I've established. So I can't hang out with them usually cause they get damned bored of me or equally pissed at not enjoying the stuff they do. Can't make many guy friends, as there aren't many around who would take easily to a girl dominating them in at least certain areas of life. That makes me pretty much of a loner, so for the past few years I've become the Obsessive Compulsive Outsider-says a friend.

What do you think?

What have I decided, what have I put myself into...

My last post ended with a 'yes I have decided' note, so what have I decided?
urrmm.. a lot many things, that's generally the way we do things, we have a lot of ideas and brainstorming takes place, then starts the process of elimination and finally one is able to look at one's decisions.

There are plans definitely, ideas... crazy ideas that need to be sorted, over a large period of time I have denied myself for what I am, and so I have not evolved at all in that sense. I have just grown in age and physique, and it's not even that great!

Cutting short the beating around the bush, I have decided that, I need to look closer at myself and try understanding my need, also start shaping up for the future, this blog, my inadvertent haircut and such other things are only pointers to the change that I wish to bring in myself.

Sometimes, however, I fear it all, like after my last post a few things happened to me, I had a kind of in the dumps day as I lost my favorite firki, spilled water on myself, wasn't able to click a simple picture of a butterfly(which I generally manage to do with some patience), stubbed my toes, hit my hand accidentally against things. If I were a believer of such things as omens, I would have had backed off this entire idea of evolving myself, it's almost as if these omens mean that I should not go ahead!

Then again I have denied myself too long, I want to live, breathe, think, speak, exclaim freely, like all other humans around me do about their desires, feelings, fears, sorrows and joys.

Too long I have been too careful, too cautious, it's killing me on the inside, to think twice before I speak, act and overall live life.

This shall be my last whining post, here on I shall post about my life. The life of Anwesha (I chose this name cause it means- 'an explorer' in sanskrit and presently that is what I am! ofcourse it isn't my true name) the explorer is off now and the quest is defined!

So what do you think, will the explorer accomplish her quest?

Yes, I can...

Two years ago...

My political science professor : No I for one shall not stand by the Gay movement, why, you ask me? Today you shall ask for freedom and equal rights for LGBT and the clause which allows it is - between consenting adults. Tomorrow there might be debates regarding Paedophilic relationships, between consenting adult and child!!!

Me : (realized what she just said and reminded myself to shut my gaping wide open mouth)

But then that is another thing completely, that's least likely to happen, that's not even the central issue!

.... after the lecture ended..

A gay guy friend : Did you read about the gay professor who was murdered?

Me : urrm.. yes..

friend : That's what happens when a gay gets a little to comfortable around homophobes, the world we live in belongs to the enemy, we must live carefully. we must lookout for just the likes of us. After all is said and done, all we have got left is US.

Me : No, that i do not believe, you are trying to tell me that the future is all of this, only!

friend : This is the way things are, you can't change existential nature, you aren't god!

Me : Change is Nature dear! The part that we impact and it starts when we decide. 

I have decided...

There is some adventure, some risk in the discovery and defence of the new.

The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations, but the new needs friends, last night I experienced something new. 

I for the first time felt the need to think anew, to stop merely existing, so do trees for that matter and yet they are regarded with much more importance nowadays.This feeling has rocked me to the core, shaking me up from the slow silent death that I was presenting to myself as each day passed on.

I have made no secret of my distaste for all things girly, but today I have convinced a homophobe (no thanks to her religious beliefs) to think differently.

There are a lot of ideas and thoughts floating vigorously in my mind, I considered that if I started thinking differently maybe I could change myself, but I guess it ain't working like that... So.. here's to me getting back to my true identity with a vengeance!

It's a first

It's a first for me, not just the blog, but speaking myself out rather than just hearing me all the time. Writing I have done, over the years I have made it my profession and yet as I type these words onto the screen there is a profound sense of anxiety and relief all at the same time.


So far all that I have ever written about myself has always been hidden and kept to myself or at most to my most loved ones. That's enough of narcissim for a day. Will come up with a better literary post next time, when my initial anxiety has died down. Till then cheerio!

-The explorer on a quest