Showdown with my Sis!

I write, right now as I speak to my sister after a period of 3 days.

Three days ago at around four am in the morning, I came out to her. She was dumbstruck and told me not to be mad, also she mentioned that I must not say things due to outside influence, or cause someone said so. Also she asked me who was my partner and when I replied I hadn't any she again reminded me not to be an ass. After that she went off to sleep asking me to go to sleep too as she had school next morning and I had to go to office. For the next three consecutive days we only looked at each other staring and moving on.

I felt that if she didn't want to come forth and ask me or tell me anything, then I had nothing to say to her either.

Today finally after my friends Smile & the Bollywood chatter box, told me that I was totally being an ass with mad cow disease, that I decided that I must talk to my sister. Upon returning from office, after my sister had, had her dinner, I indicated to her to come to our room. She did. I asked her if she wished to speak to me and after a mutual disagreement over the fact that we were totally being asses, we shared a hearty laugh. She tells me about the farewell they gave to their seniors from standard 10th (She is currently in STD 9)

After a lot of freaking out and calling me- "Are you mad?" for the umpteenth time and saying things like- "What are you gonna tell our dearest parents and what about the rest of the world and just imagine granny's state of mind when she comes to know! I calmly replied, "Yes, each one of them is going to be in one word - SCANDALIZED!" Think about it again, my sister continues with her rants; how will you live alone and who will be there to take care of you, imagine what people will say to our parents. She gives me the example of a maternal cousin who decided to marry an out of the caste guy and she was strongly criticised (but that is because she married a drunk who is a kind of douchebag, all the while thinking that she could save him and all that sorta thing… I wonder sometimes why some girls have this 'go save the guys and they will change after marriage attitude')

I understand that she is apprehensive, she is totally scared shitless. She worries, she frets, she wonders whether I can change!

Finally she gives in and says, I am with you whatever  it is…!

I breathe free, I now have an ally on the home base.

gay forever after, but what next!

I realize that so far I haven't posted many real life diary entries.
I've been mostly bantering around, describing all my miserableness & low down feelings.. Can't really help it, when you don't seem to find any substance in your life anymore. Cause although I have come to terms with my being gay forever after, I don't know what next!


For any hetero-sexual in India, life has been well defined-
You grow up, study hard, pass exams, arm yourself with educational degrees, get a job, search a wife/husband, settle down, get a decent house, create respect for your family in society, procreate, bring up children, get them married off & then retire.


Very well defined.


For a homosexual, it's like being the 1st batch student of a newly introduced syllabus for a board exam and there aren't any reference papers or question banks from the previous years!


No wonder I was always so lost. In fact, I am even today!
Cause although I know what I am & what I want and how exactly to go achieving it...
By far, the greatest question is-
When do I decide that I wanna come out?
How do I say it to my parents?
Do I declare it to the world?
Do I change my nationality? and go reside in some nation which allows my kinda people to exist peacefully, by the way, does such a place even exist?


Or simpler still..
Do I fuck it all and simply die...!


the last option though I have decided not to even think about... is nevertheless most tempting!

Patriotism and all that sorta thing...

A happy republic day to all.

By now, almost every Indian on facebook has made atleast a single mention about the republic day in their statuses, some stating the obvious in the form of wishes, yet others cribbing about the state of our nation. I see a lot of posts saluting our nations' soldiers and thanking them for the freedom we enjoy in our daily lives.

All of the above statements are true, but there is a huge class out there that remains to be the unsung heroes of India's success in the past few years from the time we achieved freedom.

I am talking about your and mine- fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, grand ma's and grand pa's...

You might wonder, why mention them? They did nothing specific for this nation.. but ponder over the next few lines.

Working class,
mostly tax payers,
mostly observing state made laws,
mostly wanting nothing more than a peaceful life!

For a nation which has just received freedom, it is not enough to have burning patriotism and fighting spirit alone.

It needs willing citizens ready to do its bidding, do work for it, in any capacity possible. I am sure most of your predecessors have worked as government employees under various capacities, yet others have started their own businesses and lived what you might call very boring everyday lives, only to retire at the age of about 60.

These COMMON MEN & WOMEN are the unsung heroes of our nation, whose everyday contribution through their boringly monotonous lives have brought such stability to our nation which it required to become- today one of the most respected nations. Stability is the most essential factor to any nation looking for a glorious future and it has been established in India through the efforts of our preceding generations.

The world has seen many nation states achieve freedom only to titularly call themselves a Republic; only to be dangerously used by developed nations for their own vested interests or be doomed to slavery by its own ruling class. Many small African nations are a burning example of this.

All said and done, I pay my greatest respects and salutations to the Boring Common Man from the working classes, whose monotonous yet stable life cycles have allowed our nation achieve maximum success.

By far, we might not be the best governed, best in resources, or as such any superlatives when it comes to describing a nation.

Yet, India HAS BEEN, IS NOW and 


WILL ALWAYS BE a nation looked at 


with RESPECT!

Random Rhymes... I Pretend

I dedicate this to you Firebolt and Embers, towards whom I do not have to pretend.

I pretend all the time,
I act, I build a pantomime,
I laugh, I care,
I love, I dare...


Each hour, each day,
I try that I may-
be to this world,
what it expects of me.


Yet, it is nothing more than a bribe,
to which by my own I subscribe.
Yes, it's my own doing,
yes, I've been all along knowing;


that a day shall come... 
When I shall deceive none,
for so tired will my soul be..
It'll break into a 1000 pieces of me.


Only then shall I truly know,
how many will remain and
how many more forgo.


How many pairs of hands,
by my side will stand,
to render me into a whole again..
To shoulder my pieces
& be with me through my winters & rain


Till then I shall be a faithful mirror.
Showing 'them' all they want, 
without any possible error!


-23rd Jan. 2011.


So yeah! that's me to the rest of the world who doesn't know the true me...
I pretend to be an obedient loving daughter to my parents ( I do truly love them, then again I'm angry they don't realise that there are needs beyond just providing for your children )
I pretend to be a well behaved girl to the rest of my family so that my parents are respected in the family circles!
It's only with my younger cousins that I share my true life philosophies, not the gay ones ofcourse..
I pretend to be a good colleague. Always ready to be made fun of, like a jester to my acquaintances and office colleagues and most college friends, so they're cool with me. (half the times the jokes they crack are so lame, so I take that very topic to another untangible direction & am rewarded with loud guffaws, especially from my friend Smile)


So yeah, that's me in real life, I can put on an act pretty easy, actually that's what I am doing most of my living breathing lifetime!
It  has become second nature to me. The very moment that I am with anyone other than myself, it's like a switch is turned on or off as per the social setup surrounding me! Actually thing was that I feared that the second nature was getting over capricious and that's why I gave my true self a chance before it was murdered completely & no one would even come to know! What a weird idea, but you know what?
 It is true!

Birthday celebrations

It's been sometime since last I posted, but I have to got to a lot to study! EXAMS, the dreaded word is fast approaching.
Anyways, mustn't let my spirits down though...

Red arrow = kite
Purple arrow = my hand.

My birthday comes on the 14th of Jan each year, and that's when I celebrate it too. According to the Hindu calender it falls on the tithi of MAKAR SANKRANTI, the only Hindu festival that never changes date. The festival is celebrated at my place with much ado, with the traditional Til-Gul laddoos shared and Haldi kum kum for ladies and is followed by cake cutting as all my extended family not very melodiously but with all their heart in it sing the customary "Happy Birthday to you..." and some of my younger cousins make additions like "to our cousin from the zoo"!!!

Generally I go to sleep on the 13th of Jan at around midnight after my enthusiastic friends have wished me and I wake up pretty late, as late as before the wishes start pouring over the telephone (I have a large circle of family and friends and well wishers) and after grabbing a quick bite, my Dad and me go kite flying. Oh yeah forgot to mention, with all sorts of delicious snacks and loads of Coke and Glucose to keep us going till around 4.30-5.00 pm

In between that time I enjoy flying kites, holding the firki for my Dad, cursing at the gujju guys from the next building terrace, taking calls from friends wishing me, and generally having a gay time. It is followed later by the family fun that I have afore mentioned.

The cake that my friends Smile & Chatter-box got for me

This year around, I was kind of in a solemn, thoughtful mood just right before my birthday and wanted to be left alone & that sorta thing.
Maybe it was due to the forthcoming exams or the conflict in my mind as was seen in my last few posts.
But Lady luck was smiling on me I guess, cause although the Makar Sankranti celebrations were on 15th followed by my birthday bash, my friends from office dropped in on the 14th armed with a cake. To be precise, my friend the afore mentioned Smile and let's call my other friend The Chatter-box from Bollywood (will tell more about her later) dropped by my place right after office.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I sent my sis to get refreshments, but mom interrupted and made hot potato, onion and other spiced pakoras for my friends while they chatted up my sis and took every opportunity to pull my leg, and they found a jolly good partner in my lil sis ( who is also a chatter-box btw). So it was an out and out jolly, groovy time we had as Smile and The Chatter-box from Bollywood sang and wished me. I was in a kind of startled mood closing to shock all throughout that time. I am not exactly fond of surprises, spontaneous plans work better with me. But with two beautiful girls cheering me on and making an effort to make my day... what more can I say! I drove Smile back home, wanted to get out of my place alone for sometime majorly cause the entire surprise thingy was overwhelming! However, Dad insisted on joining us, so the drive was kind of subdued, but the fresh air got my spirits really up, I wanted to sing...

Next day, the usual Sankranti celebrations occurred as I have mentioned before they do every year. Dad had ordered a cake from TAJ !

In all these overwhelming things forgot to mention(how could I!) that 2 of my 3 close friends, mates from my school days they are, dropped by on 14th, I usually celebrate my birthday on the grand scale the way I like it when we can all get together out of our academic & career routines.

I am sure I have bored any reader to death, but this is one post I do not want to edit, it's as overflowing with thoughts as my mind is with all good things at present.

All in all I had a great time!

P.S. Tried searching for a Tegan & Sara tee, but didn't get one, I guess I should try harder, so I settled on a black turtle neck tee instead, Red & Black are like my soul colors!

2 Decades & 2 Years!

A wish to myself-


"Fly free and happy beyond birthdays and across forever,
and we'll meet now and then when we wish,
in the midst of the one celebration that never can end."

- Richard Bach

Yeah, I am as old as 2 decades and 2 years.
22 years ago I was born into my family, as a mother endlessly prayed that the first born be a son, while my dad wanted a daughter and GOD said tathastu (granted) to both their wishes... *smiles* and I was born, the most happily GAY thing that ever could exist in my family!


Jokes apart, this shall be my most memorable one since I have come to terms with myself. it's like being born anew and re-learning my basics. 


As of now no plans have been scheduled, as always I am the procrastinator, but then again I like making abrupt plans. It is more enjoyable that ways, more spontaneous and lively!


- the explorer on a quest.

Knock knock... whos this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!

"Knock knock... who's this?... its the damned survivor in you, open up NOW!"


Miserable me: WTF!


Survivor in me: stop your effing, sit up and listen. You've had your time, you've done enough damage, you may leave now, I need to clean up the mess.


Miserable me: You think I do this on purpose? To gain undue attention, you think I love living in the dumps of my mind? You have no fuckin idea, how difficult it is to be all cooped up inside someone. To not be able to breathe, think, dream, do anything without thinking twice about it. All you know is to butt in and show how efficient you are and cause this physical existence to keep existing! What do you achieve? A needless, hopeless existence? Have you even wondered whether I want to be saved, whether I want to survive...


(Survivor in me, cuts off Miserable me, midway)


Survivor in me:  Yes, indeed! You need to be saved... look at yourself... not eating, drinking properly for the past week, giving undue tension to your family, friends. Where do you think all your act is taking you? You want the curtains to drop even before the 2nd Act is performed? So far so good, you have learnt the tricks of trade to successfully live a human life despite all odds, accept my hearty congratulations! But you're not bowing away so soon. There is definitely a reason why you still live on, however miserably it might be.


Miserable me: But it has gone on too far... it has been all too much...

Sindhu tai Sapkal... what did u expect to see?
a well  tailored woman, sitting in a high backed chair in a luxurious NGO office?
this woman is the real deal,
"THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR"

Survivor in me: cut it out, snap out of it... There are people out there in worse situations than yours, like look at Sindhu tai Sapkal- an unwanted girl child... married forcefully at the age of just 9, abandoned at 20 when she was pregnant, gave birth to a child inside a cowshed and no there were no angels beside her! Tried suiciding twice, each time the crying of her only daughter got her back... She altered her name, started adopting street girls, sharing whatever food, shelter, clothing she had with her, just imagine how difficult it must have been for her. She wrote about her life in a book, was asked to give a speech in California! She has been awarded with many laurels, the prize money she used it all on her adopted orphans, not a penny on herself. Today many of the children that she adopted are well educated lawyers and doctors, and some including her biological daughter are running their independent orphanages.


Miserable me: (Vanishes abruptly!)

Survivor in me: *smiles victoriously*