Not exactly envy nor possessiveness...

..

The fact that her friend is going through a major transition in her
life gladdens me, while at the same time leaves me disheartened. For I
remember a time, when I was involved in drawing a little smile on her
friend's face through my genuine flattery and a few humour-worthy
one-liners.

Fate however had other plans for the friendship between me and her friend.
There was once a time when I awaited her return from her friend,
waiting late into the night & seldom falling asleep as she returned
from her only close female friend on campus.
Then there was a time when I expressed my true admiration for her
friend's writing skills. Her friend truly has an amazing knack for
writing adjectively effective descriptions of all experiences through
her writing.
Then there was a time for envy and a fair bit of possessiveness as she
thought and assumed that I loved her friend more than her!
Then for a yet unknown reason, her friend refused to accept my
existence in her life.
For long hours have I suffered my mind to try understand what might
have led to her such behavior towards me. I have done no ill towards
her, and so I have no reason as to why she refutes my existance. I
have always respected her in all possible manner, yet..

Today again I felt disheartened by the thoughts of her friend, I felt
displaced without her presence although it was for a few hours. I
wished her good night though I had not slept, because I had no good
word to offer her.

Why do I feel this way? What do I do about it?

Memories

Clearing cache..

We all wish for amazingly impossible things that do not exist in
reality so that we could travel back in time, increase our I.Q etc.
Of all those amazing things I wish for, I often think of a device that
would selectively erase certain memories from my life, help me breathe
easy and live better...

Of all the things that can effectively affect our mood and
productivity, memories usually play a grand role. They affirm our
beliefs and values and also have the power to completely destruct our
self beliefs and confidence thus rendering us helpless.

There is not much we can do about our memories, or so I had thought
until that fateful day that the person I truly loved for over 3 years
just passed over our memories like they never really existed. In less
than a year after we had unceremoniously separated, she refused to
accept that such a relationship ever existed between us. To add to my
anguish she spread lies that it was a one sided affair! If I hadn't
secured her hand written letters to me, I too would have come to
probably eventually believe that all of our memories were probably
some unfortunate mid-summer dream!

While I even today continue to be tortured by those memories, she
happily lives in her sweet Lalaland where none of these memories ever
happened! More recently I saw a facebook post with her photo. It
haunted me for days together, she looked tired, punished. I wondered
why. Was she in trouble? Should I help? Will it be fair if I ignored
her as she has ignored the existence of our memories. That would
definitely be the easiest thing to do, or so I had thought. But my
memories of our good times didn't let me rest a moment. I felt that I
was ignoring her in troubled times.

I am a person of my words. I do not do promises, but if I am to give
my word to someone, I will keep it till life flows through my body.
Sigh...
That is the trouble. I am often told that I take life too seriously.
Maybe that is the case. But, in any case, that is the only way of
existance that I know.
Therefore I decided to call upon an old acquaintance, a friend, who
knows everything that happened between the two of us.
She advised me to ignore the entire thing. Easier said than done. But
after great turbulence and much thinking, u came to the conclude that
the friend was right. I must not dwell in the past so much so that I
get stuck in it and can't find my way back.

So this ends with me unfriending her on facebook.
That's how this post ends, never to hopefully have any sequel to it..

For a friend..

What do friends do when you tell them that you had a heartbreak.
Do they feel sorry for you? Do they try to cheer you?

This is is what I do..
(a friend recently spoke to me about her tale of love.. sort of lost..
I was chatting with her on Whats App, here's a quick rhyme i composed)

While we carry on to find him,
Who will considr u b4 all else even wen conditions r grim..

Just look at d stars shining out there,
There's a lot of time to spare..

For neither are u old nor of weak heart,
I'm sure u will find ur muse..
& there lies all that u would ever need to start,
A chance anew wid greater enthuse...

P.S. Forgive the sms lingo, i wanted the blogpost as real as it gets.

a dying man's word you must keep...

Strike me if you wish to,
But, strike my heart deep.
That's where the pain is...
If a dying man's word you must keep.

In a single strike release me,
May you not have to stab me
Over & over again,
For the pain will continue in vain,
While death defies me from my sleep...
I hope A dying man's words u will keep.

Let my death be absolute & ultimate,
I ask not for rebirth nor for change in fate...

For it is better to embrace nothingness in death,
Than to keep going nowhere in blind faith.

For me who has cared neither for silks or gold,
Care no more to live till I grow old.

And if my words make your heart fail your guts,
Then hand me the poison vial without any ifs & buts.
Make sure it be deadly that which touches my lip,
Foremost Burns my heart very deep,
So that I feel nothing nor do I weep...
I hope a dyin' man's words you will keep.

GHOSTS

GHOSTS

Screech..
A sharp swerve, instinctive survival reflexes kicked in and the car
was braked sharply at the roadside.

A sharp sensation rose from the back of my head and slowly died out.
I waved an assuring hand at the couple of cars who had stopped by to
check on me.

Rickshaws stopping or swerving mid way without signalling are a common
thing in my city. No wonder the people who'd noticed the fiasco were
concerned about me!

I let my head clear, the pain stopped. I composed myself. I was
driving to a friend's place for her birthday, I should try not to look
ravaged.

I reached her place and called her to join me in the car, another
friend was to join. Waiting for the birthday girl I got out of the car
to stretch my shaking legs.

My heart was pumping fast, adrenaline flowing through my veins had me
all high strung. Thank God for the quick reflexes. I didn't think I
had any! For a second i felt like Van Diesel! Only for a second, the
next second I drew my mobile out of my pocket and messaged 'her'
friend.
When your love is taken from you, you try hard to get it back.
I intended to try understanding her or atleast die trying. Yes, I'd
seen the rickshaw stop a lil before me but i was busy thinking,
understanding her. Usually I would have slowed down, but my mind
wasn't concentrating on the road.

I messaged 'her' friend to do me a favour and look after 'her'.

I got back in the car, started some light music, nerves needed quick
calming. I didn't want to ruin my friend birthday by being all high
strung.

My friend's arrived, we went for a drive, I was unusually quite. These
are my close friends, the birthday girl 'C' asked me. I joked about
it. We went for pastries. 'C' sent another friend to get the pastries
in the car, it was raining outside.

'C' was direct, she asked about 'her'. I told 'C' about 'her' and the
dream she had. 'C' said, another person in my place would've been
enraged, she was glad i wasn't. You should give her time, we girls
think a lot and complicate things beyond reason sometime.
I smiled and then we had pastries and I drove 'C' to the church and my
other friend to her home.
I was as careful as I could be on my way back.

While checking my head wound, i contemplated. We all have ghosts,
skeletons in the closet. What matters is how much we let them haunt
us.
I too have mine and nice stories they'd make but I've slammed my
closet shut and if ever it creaks open and i see the dementors make a
beeline for me, i call upon my patronus of all things good.
And so far the patronus has prevailed.

I Suffer..

I suffer, from a part of me,
Dead and left behind that no one may see..

I weep not, neither cry,
For long days have gone by..
These cheeks once tear stained,
Have I known cried in vain..

Numb they may have become,
But they don't believe in giving up, she'll come..

But do I want that any longer,
We won't ever be together..

That I know for sure indeed,
For what I had sown has not/will not be reaped.

Then why carry this deadweight,
Why can't I get my mind straight?

I Blinked...

I blinked. The sun was in my eyes. I shifted the chair to position myself better across her. She was sitting there looking right back at me.

“Incoming Transmission…”, the mobile message tone broke the trance which was one of the several that I would have in the next three quarters of a hour. I was waiting with her at the airport for her departure. 

Ten days ago I was at the same terminal awaiting her arrival to Maximum city.

She smiled a dopey smile at me, one that I had seen several times over skype and yet considered it to be brighter in person. My thoughts were racing back to that eventful Sunday when I replied to her blog query and also to the email she had sent on my gmail  i.d. The same day evening was spent chatting away to a complete stranger about random stuff. The next week was full of text messages and silly sms jokes, the week after that came the Facebook requests and so it went on. It had cultivated itself into a beautiful relationship.

How I wish I could update that on Facebook!
No, it’s not time yet. Not cause I’m unsure of the relationship but, simply because I am unsure of reactions and I am not yet ready to face the questions yet.

Me & She @ the Kanheri Caves

After five whole months of revelry, we were to finally meet for a real tete a tete. I was unsure of how I should address her and how would I go about to ensure that she had the best of the time. But over the ten days of her stay in my city, everything just seemed to take care of itself without much ado. Plans fell into place like they had always meant to be! A visit to the Gateway of India, the Haji Ali Mosque, a trip to the Kanheri caves and national park with its lion & tiger safari where she thought that those savages and their cubs were cute! Little does she know that one of those lions had recently killed a zookeeper. But all that didn’t matter for now. All that did was she was sitting before me, ready to leave.  I wasn’t. Maybe she wasn’t too.

The last four days that I had spent with her suddenly felt like a distant dream… a mirage!
I knew that it was something I was supposed to get used to, I comforted myself that at least I was having this feeling again and in that I was glad. I wouldn’t forget all those moments spent together.

My day dream was cut short by a smoking-like-chimney arab fellow sitting beside us. She noticed my expression and asked, “you can’t stand smoke can you?” I had just stirred out of my day dreaming and mumbled something incoherent.

The time kept ticking as I made small talk with her while my mind played narrator.

The mobile buzzed again, it was the alarm, it was time to say our good byes.

A short hug, see you soon (on skype ofcourse!) and she was gone past the terminal gates in a blink. This time I did not.