I am just a kid...

I am just a kid, 
I know nothing about anything.
you may ask me about the math and tell me about the planets,
you might try interesting me in the arts or bore me about new gadgets...


What care I about your sciences, math or arts...
I see the sun set in the west & in the east it starts,
I feel the call of the early birds twittering away for a worm
and that is music enough for me to last me any storm.

I have seen the turtles lay their eggs, when they feel to watch there is none...
and I have seen the crocs dig there by till all I counted was- one.

These are my friend's pet turtles

Yet, I have counted him amongst the hundreds that have hatched on that turf...
and make a run from the beach and through the sand to reach the surf.








Such uncountless things consume my thoughts,
whatever I have learnt, to me nature has taught.
Hence, do not seek me amongst my kind,
The true me, there you shall never find.
for I am just a kid,
I know nothing about anything...

What doth ye desire?

SILENCE…

The one phenomenon that assures peace.
You can silence things, you can silence animals and you can silence people. Whether you do it through coercion or force, it does not really matter.

What matters is, “Can you silence yourself?”

The very few times I have been able to attain just that, I have been at peace, almost like a trance... like as if absolutely nothing could affect me. 

 

Today was one of those exceptional times that I could achieve that serenity. In that frame of mind, a singular question resonated in my mind...
All of us at some point in our lives question the raison d'être. The causes usually vary from family and friends, career goals, vengeance, many a times it’s just for the love of life and discovery of the new.
All these reasons create a desire, a strong sense of wanting, that ties us firmly to life as we know it.
So we live on…

For someone who has little or no care for those things, the question in my mind repeats itself. Why life? what doth ye desire?
It resonates in me, like the echo of bells even after they have stopped ringing. It unsettles my mind and I sense it flinch.

Desires… I seem to have run out of those.
When I see a lone bird across the sweltering skies, the blades of grass decorated with the summer’s dew, a doggy wagging its tail at me even when it knows that all I can afford is a pat or a rub, it gladdens my heart. There are several things that are capable of making my mind smile, be content, and rejoice in those little joys that fill my existence with warmth and hope.

But these are not what humans define as desires, desires are those that lead you on, desperately… keep you going even in the toughest of times and fill you with the hope and the fantasy of achievement even before you have partially accomplished your task to fulfill a desire.

Yes, I do have my share of family and friends and they do care for me. I had a set of goals for myself—to get into a good college, to excel in at least one extra-curricular activity, to graduate with distinction, to become a journalist and then an editor. I have scored successfully on each of these tasks.  I have also been in love, once in my life… it was beautiful indeed! I have shared my life with the person I thought I could not live without, and yet here I am pretty complete even without her. And no, I am not bitter towards love or for that matter the very person I loved. It seems pretty much like been there done that sort of a thing. Yet, I shall not say that I have done all that one may in a lifetime. However existence does not excite me.
I do care for my loved ones, and my work. But that desire, I feel is not strong enough to keep me tethered to life.

And again I come back to the same question— what doth ye desire?

I visited my granny yesterday; she asked me what I wanted as a birthday gift. I replied, ‘nothing’. She continued, “I have received that answer from many, and yet I know that in the heart of their hearts, most desire something and a few desire someone. Yet, I find you actually meaning what you speak and this I understand through my years of experience.”
She went on to add, “You seem to care for nothing you own, like life would be just the same without those things, and even with people the emotion is repeated. You care for them in your own little ways that sometimes even go unnoticed.
What exactly appeals to you? Why do you behave like a bairaagi (hermit)?—
What doth ye desire?”

Hmm… and there again I come to my central idea, my difficulty with existence which questions my very raison d'être.

And now I am unable to silence myself.
One word describes me best—the one word that has been ruling my life since the time that my realisations exist—STOIC. 

A children's day spent well..- Nov 14, 2011.

t's 14 Nov. 2011, Children's Day!
I'm at Fame Raghuleela.. Waiting for Tintin & the adventures secret of
the unicorn
so I gt the tickets frm BookMyShow.com
and i land myself in a soup as The box office manager tells me that
tne entire cinema hall has been pre-booked by a school- The Mahatma
education Society!
Simply fabulous, i thought..
But then the box office guy managed to get me a decent seat amongst the kids.
I took my seat and was getting quite impatient.. And then amidst
cheers the students entered the theatre..
the national anthem that followed was the liveliest that i have ever
experienced at any movie theatre before!
The movie is quite amazing, its a Steven Spielberg movie & I must say
that it has lived up to its name.
I couldn't decide which character i loved most between Tintin & Snowy.
But it was awesome fun to watch the movie with all those school kids..
I made a few new friends. Comforted a lil girl who was terrified as
Tintin's plane crashed through a rain storm.
Helped a teacher break up a fight between two rowdy boys..
The movie ended with a loud applause, u should hv been here Mr.
Spielberg to enjoy it..
the teachers quickly took their positions at the exits..
As I headed towards one of the exit, a teacher held onto my hand and
asked where I was headed. The very next moment she realised that I
ain't one of her students, she hurriedly apologised, "oh! Ur look very
alike a naughty lil boy from my class!"
"sure no worries I replied, all the while wondering that is it my
height or haircut that makes me look like a kid!"
Overall, i thoroughly enjoyed Tintin !
best experience i've ever had.. Thanx bookmyshow for messing up my
booking & placing me with these kids.

I wanna write..

Among the many things that I have been told to follow as a rule to help discipline my life, I find that to date many have been disregarded absolutely and sacrificed on the altar of modernity while, such which could not have been done away with completely have been modified to suit convienience after having been declared as obsolete.


I find myself thus under substantial conflict whether I should therefore, proceed to follow on or, upturn all civilities inorder to establish my own little niche.


Over the past many months I have allowed my blogspace to suffer in the absolute absence of any going ons in its author's life, but I intend in the near future to abstain from any more of such practices. 


To redeem myself from the ongoing conflict, I shall presently be making a few important announcements. 
It brings me great pleasure to declare that in the near past I have achieved (by the grace of god and the efforts of many around me) circumstances that will definitely provide any individual of my standing, much to rejoice about.

• I have started my journey in the field of publishing, at present I write for the business-to-business publication industry. It has taken me some time and a lot of patience, along with a great number of blessings and goodwill I am sure, to have reached my current position. (I'm told that it is quite difficult for freshers to be allowed a position in business writing, let alone editing.)
  
  
• I passed my second semester of MA in Mass communication and journalism with distinction (81% in the first sem and 83% in the second sem to be precise). I still ask my mum to take a week off during my exams, tagging along with her to the exam hall. She awaits my return after the exam in the waiting room  at the exam hall. Am worrying bout the next sem. I have turned in my assignments with some difficulty, the studying is yet to begin.
  
  
• I have learnt to express myself, finally! This achievement which may sound like the least of things is nevertheless most important to me. My expressions will now dictate the terms of my life, or rather help me live life on my own terms. It feels really good.. I have finally come out to two of my family members, my sis and my mum, in that order precisely. More about that in my next post.
  

P.S. I've so far been elusive, superstitious even.
        I wanna live now, spread the horizons a nick wider,
         I wanna write now and be like this, be myself forever.

Its been long

My last post was written 8-9 months ago.


I could give myself a thousand excuses as to why I haven't been around my blogspace, and yet I would know that I could have written almost daily. Not like there wasn't anything to say. I just wasn't able to make myself say it. Even now as I realise that I am rambling on, I think to myself, but what were the specific reasons behind my prolonged silence?


It could be any of the following reasons,

1. I accepted my existance and but, I am yet apprehensive somewhere in my mind. (It will take some time being myself!)
2. I joined the media publishing unit at my workplace. The challenges seemed as tall as the Himalayas. (What with the bitchy creatures in my team, I have got used to them now and it doesn't matter any more)
3. Exams! The one strong phenomenon which repeatedly makes me feel like a nervous kid. (Persuing my masters, so far so good. Keeping my fingers crossed, while I worry my head off!)
4. Trying to make time for family responsibilities, while at the same time finding time for myself to meet up with friends. (I've hardly had any alone time lately.
5. I think some one is stalking me on cyberspace (I mean IT!)
6. I was given additional responsibility which meant that I was single handedly churning out two B2B magazines, one monthly and the other bi-monthly. ( It was madness in the beginning, but I got used to this too, by God's grace I must say! I didn't know that I had it in me..) This is the major reason.

Anyways, all said and done. There have been BIG changes in my life lately. The quest has taken many new happy and a few not so happy turns.

Will talk about them soon.

My resolve needs fuelling

It's been quite sometime since I visited my space, doesn't mean I have stopped exploring the gay realms. I haven't exactly been busy either. It's just that, the feeling of hopelessness seems to be overriding me, all the time when I think of the future. My talking to no one about all this I guess adds to the cynicism.

I met some one recently who has a lot in common with me, she said so herself! Unfortunately she is straight and that's where it all ends I guess. All the same that doesn't imply that I can't enjoy a little chat with her and be happy about it atleast for a while!

So here's one of my rambles with her. It all began with her haircut as she wanted me to describe it in a word, so off I went, shooting my mouth. The word I gave her is 'Venust' and that's the word I shall use instead of her true name.

Venust: logged in just for u...

  ;)

11:47 AM oh venust is it?

 me: thank you, I appreciate that

  Yes Venust it is

  so..?

 Venust: overwhelming!!

  and

  blush blush blush

  ;)

 me: Yeah I can see that

11:48 AM Venust: he he..

  i love the choice of word!

  eng litt influence huh?

 me: maybe a little

  I don't know whether this is the proper etiquette but dan said so too

11:49 AM Venust: what did dan say?

 me: That it looked good on you

 Venust: the hair cut or the word?

  :p

 me: the haircut,  words to that effect

 Venust: he he...

  she too is generous with the compliment!

11:50 AM like friends!

  :)

  but on a deeper note the word is a combination of love and beauty..

11:51 AM u know the goddess of love...

  Venus.

 me: Yes I do

 Venust: there was phae when i dvelved in greek mythology like none other..

 me: OMG

 Venust: it still fascinates me..

  dont tell me..

  u too..?

 me: I did too

11:52 AM Venust: where were u all this years?

  he he..

  gosh! that sounds cheesy..

 me: right from Kronos to a little beyond hercules and archimdes

 Venust: well, u knw what i meant..

 me: Nope I like the sound of that

 Venust: ;)

  yeah...

 me: :)

 Venust: for that matter..

11:53 AM i did a little comparative study with roman mythology too..

  cos they are parallel u know..

  have too..

  all this was out of academics of course

11:54 AM me: hmm .. I haven't delved much into roman mythology but yeah they are parallel in certain ways..

  I mainly did it outta curiosity

 Venust: me too...

  talk about two little "curious cats"

11:56 AM me: LOLz

 Venust: yeah...

  :D

 me: I hope I am not keeping you from your work

 Venust: nah..

  m getting back to it..

  cos m in midst of it..

  the article i mean...

11:57 AM me: hmm..
that's good then

 Venust: will buzz u once i take a breather again...

  so long from the venust!

  ;)

11:58 AM me: Sure why not.. at your service ma'am..

 Venust: aaaw!

  such a courteous statement..

  sadly now its only restricted to hospitality industry!

11:59 AM me: hmm.. c'est vrai


Writing this itself cheered me up. I might try a few feeble attempts at writing a new blogpost soon! 

Random Rhymes- I wanna run away

I wanna run away, on a rainbow to a place full of bright 
sunshine, where the flowers bloom and it never is twilight!
a place where you just can't define 
and yet everything is align
to the rays of sunlight cutting out of the skies
eclipsed by the clouds' dark ties.


Where the dew seems to linger
a little bit longer
despite the breaking dawn's
might, to send it away from the leaves and lawns.


I wanna swim away to sunny shores lonely
from the human touch, to watch the surf idly
as I sit back in the warm golden sands
and feel it slip through my hands
while I watch the moon take its place
besides the stars and planets from outer space.


I wanna fly away to alcoves in
the snow peaked mountains, for a spin.
Watching the one place on earth that will not be fenced
for security, for defense, for offence or any other pretense.

I wanna be away
from the illusion of control in anyway


-17th Feb. 2011.


I've been busy with nothing lately, everything seems to be hazy, muddled up, a lot of new topics are brought into my conscious, I think of various new topics to post on my blog but never end up writing them.


Am down with a bad cold.. that is the only health related problem that can actually make me freak out.. I don't mind being cut, scratched, burnt, any sort of aches, but Cold.. I mind very much... it kinda chokes me.. I have had this little bronchital thing in my childhood and it hasn't really gone away. Alright, I have bored you enough with illnesses, I actually hate talking about not being well. If ever I am unwell no one ever knows unless I am in a critical life or death situation in which case the poor doctors are trying to set me alright and that is about the only info you will get related to me not being well.


Yeah I hate being weak, I never complain about illnesses and if I am too bad, you simply won't see me cause i will be cooped up in my room and take an off from whatever is up for that day.. so no one has really seen me lying down .. complaining or cribbing about not being well or stuff like that.


So yeah, that's the reason I haven't been around my virtual space for such a long.