Not exactly envy nor possessiveness...

..

The fact that her friend is going through a major transition in her
life gladdens me, while at the same time leaves me disheartened. For I
remember a time, when I was involved in drawing a little smile on her
friend's face through my genuine flattery and a few humour-worthy
one-liners.

Fate however had other plans for the friendship between me and her friend.
There was once a time when I awaited her return from her friend,
waiting late into the night & seldom falling asleep as she returned
from her only close female friend on campus.
Then there was a time when I expressed my true admiration for her
friend's writing skills. Her friend truly has an amazing knack for
writing adjectively effective descriptions of all experiences through
her writing.
Then there was a time for envy and a fair bit of possessiveness as she
thought and assumed that I loved her friend more than her!
Then for a yet unknown reason, her friend refused to accept my
existence in her life.
For long hours have I suffered my mind to try understand what might
have led to her such behavior towards me. I have done no ill towards
her, and so I have no reason as to why she refutes my existance. I
have always respected her in all possible manner, yet..

Today again I felt disheartened by the thoughts of her friend, I felt
displaced without her presence although it was for a few hours. I
wished her good night though I had not slept, because I had no good
word to offer her.

Why do I feel this way? What do I do about it?

Memories

Clearing cache..

We all wish for amazingly impossible things that do not exist in
reality so that we could travel back in time, increase our I.Q etc.
Of all those amazing things I wish for, I often think of a device that
would selectively erase certain memories from my life, help me breathe
easy and live better...

Of all the things that can effectively affect our mood and
productivity, memories usually play a grand role. They affirm our
beliefs and values and also have the power to completely destruct our
self beliefs and confidence thus rendering us helpless.

There is not much we can do about our memories, or so I had thought
until that fateful day that the person I truly loved for over 3 years
just passed over our memories like they never really existed. In less
than a year after we had unceremoniously separated, she refused to
accept that such a relationship ever existed between us. To add to my
anguish she spread lies that it was a one sided affair! If I hadn't
secured her hand written letters to me, I too would have come to
probably eventually believe that all of our memories were probably
some unfortunate mid-summer dream!

While I even today continue to be tortured by those memories, she
happily lives in her sweet Lalaland where none of these memories ever
happened! More recently I saw a facebook post with her photo. It
haunted me for days together, she looked tired, punished. I wondered
why. Was she in trouble? Should I help? Will it be fair if I ignored
her as she has ignored the existence of our memories. That would
definitely be the easiest thing to do, or so I had thought. But my
memories of our good times didn't let me rest a moment. I felt that I
was ignoring her in troubled times.

I am a person of my words. I do not do promises, but if I am to give
my word to someone, I will keep it till life flows through my body.
Sigh...
That is the trouble. I am often told that I take life too seriously.
Maybe that is the case. But, in any case, that is the only way of
existance that I know.
Therefore I decided to call upon an old acquaintance, a friend, who
knows everything that happened between the two of us.
She advised me to ignore the entire thing. Easier said than done. But
after great turbulence and much thinking, u came to the conclude that
the friend was right. I must not dwell in the past so much so that I
get stuck in it and can't find my way back.

So this ends with me unfriending her on facebook.
That's how this post ends, never to hopefully have any sequel to it..