so since I love rhyming everything, I will start off with a rhyme I wrote bout myself around two years ago..
ME
Around 20 years ago, on the 14th of January
born I was, & considered auspicious, very.
They'd prayed for the 1st to be a son, at Mount Mary,
and they got one! Some say invariably.
For certainly no one dared call me-
a pretty little girl, a tomboy, mebbe...
but a pretty little girl, it never could be.
Through the years I grew,
in Girgaum & the suburbs too..
while other girls played dolls and learned to sew
flying kites & playing cricket, I was very much into.
Outran the boys at their every game,
even when I grew up it was all the same.
Granny took me to St. Sebastian Church,
Also in the mosque & Ram temple, for god, I searched..
I believed them all & worshipped them too,
but during the 93' riots, I asked granny- Who killed who?
In the suburbs at a girls convent school
values & discipline, in my life established a rule.
Somewhere during the same time
I decided to make journalism my line..
Bankers, doctors, engineers, all in the family
but a JOURNALIST! They told me not to be silly!
Toyed with theatre in junior college,
& took up B.M.M. with my newfound knowledge
A surprise awaited me
I found media project files from X.I.C.
"What's this mom, on your table?"
and she narrated to me this story almost unbelievable
(that my mum had completed her post graduation course at Xavier's Institute of Communications, all the while when she was pregnant and carrying me. So I guess it makes me the modern day Abhimanyu, but unlike him I completed my studies when I was out into this world)
& so she wasn't surprised that I chose this track
& her project files were proof of that
and I noticed the twinkle in her eye...!
So yeah! that's the me
that I believe to be...
Over the years, as any person grows in age, he/she starts having an image of self, it is usually an image that is embossed upon one's mind due to various influences like, culture, traditions, religion, gender, nationality, etc. People tend to find companionship amongst those who confirm this identity of theirs'.
Growing up especially the period of adolscence is a very difficult time for any person, it is also a very decisive period in one's life. It's what decides what a person will be like in future and this is usually the time period when a person looks out for inspiration and a better understanding of him/her own self.
I've been the most confused kid on the block when I was growing up. My understanding of myself was very different from those around me. Although there were certain ideas that I shared with people around me, especially those my age, yet, there was a sense of incompletion.
I denied my differential sexual preferences to myself until lately. Initially I thought it was just a phase and that it would pass away. When I was in junior college, I fell madly in love with a straight girl and we were a couple for around 3-4years. Those times I didn't wanna think of anything, I was happy, living my life fully and most importantly- I was COMPLETE.. in the sense that I had never been before. It all fell to pieces when Sree couldn't come out to her mom(who's a fiercely independent lady herself and considered me to be no less than her very own daughter- maybe that was a reason that I really couldn't force Sree, on the decision)
It took me more than a year to gather myself...
By which time I had completed grad school and considered that I should try thinking differently. I grew my hair, bought myself a few dresses! Tried parading around like a girl, got asked out during this period more than ever(it only added to my woes!)
It wouldn't work, I was miserable all the time and I just couldn't think straight!
Around this time, I decided to take up a job as I had just completed my graduation and sitting at home was getting tortuous. I thought work would help me take my mind of these thing...
But that's not how it works I guess... then there came a time when I fiercely just didn't wanna exist anymore!
Fortunately, I found a friend on the blogosphere Firebolt, also known as Bolty, Kiddo, Silly and Moron!
I happened to read her blog while at office and decided to take control of my life back!
After a bit of researching, I decided on the name Anwesha as it literally means ' the explorer ' in Sanskrit(which I happen to have studied while at school) and since I am exploring myself now... which I never did before, cause as far as I searched, when I was growing up and trying to make sense of things bout me, I just couldn't find any similar experiances or references in any library, and internet wasn't really available (Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were at hammerheads trying to capture the world but hadn't conquered India yet) as well as talking to any adult was like impossible. Firstly, sex was a taboo'ed topic and when I tried talking to my mom about ' wanting to talk ' well she was too busy (I don't blame her, it's difficult getting things out of me plus all I said to her was- "you've not been having time to talk to me") and that was when I was around ten!
So that meant, I just grew up as an awkward kid, who liked dressing up like a boy and behaving like one most of the time. Also, I stuck to my reading, studying and occasional walks, plainly saying- yeah, I was a loner, introvert, DEMURE...
All people knew about me was that I could outrun the boys at their games, that I had horrid tempers and could punch a guy in his face if he got on my wrong side (there are incidences of that having had happened a couple of times in my life)
So, mostly people kept away from me and I wasn't much bothered and never bullied(thanks to the outwardly fierce attitude that I kept up)
Also, that I wasn't that great at studies but languages I was great at, ( I stood 1st amongst all divisions in Marathi, Sanskrit and English and hardly managed to scrape through in Maths and Physics) and yes, that I could rhyme (yeah, my dad had this bad habit of showing of my poems in public, he's a poet too you know, and so was his dad as in my grand dad).
So I was mostly left to myself, never attended parties or social functions unless it involved my close family relations.
I didn't like popular culture, there was nothing that identified with me, so I never really evolved, an inquisitive cousin once asked me why there weren't any posters in my room. It was cause I wasn't exposed to anything i could relate to....
That's what I am in search of, that's what I am exploring, yes I am on a quest and it has no defined track, no treasure map like instructions...
Join my quest, maybe you might find a piece of your treasure map during my journey!
that I believe to be...
Over the years, as any person grows in age, he/she starts having an image of self, it is usually an image that is embossed upon one's mind due to various influences like, culture, traditions, religion, gender, nationality, etc. People tend to find companionship amongst those who confirm this identity of theirs'.
Growing up especially the period of adolscence is a very difficult time for any person, it is also a very decisive period in one's life. It's what decides what a person will be like in future and this is usually the time period when a person looks out for inspiration and a better understanding of him/her own self.
I've been the most confused kid on the block when I was growing up. My understanding of myself was very different from those around me. Although there were certain ideas that I shared with people around me, especially those my age, yet, there was a sense of incompletion.
I denied my differential sexual preferences to myself until lately. Initially I thought it was just a phase and that it would pass away. When I was in junior college, I fell madly in love with a straight girl and we were a couple for around 3-4years. Those times I didn't wanna think of anything, I was happy, living my life fully and most importantly- I was COMPLETE.. in the sense that I had never been before. It all fell to pieces when Sree couldn't come out to her mom(who's a fiercely independent lady herself and considered me to be no less than her very own daughter- maybe that was a reason that I really couldn't force Sree, on the decision)
It took me more than a year to gather myself...
By which time I had completed grad school and considered that I should try thinking differently. I grew my hair, bought myself a few dresses! Tried parading around like a girl, got asked out during this period more than ever(it only added to my woes!)
It wouldn't work, I was miserable all the time and I just couldn't think straight!
Around this time, I decided to take up a job as I had just completed my graduation and sitting at home was getting tortuous. I thought work would help me take my mind of these thing...
But that's not how it works I guess... then there came a time when I fiercely just didn't wanna exist anymore!
Fortunately, I found a friend on the blogosphere Firebolt, also known as Bolty, Kiddo, Silly and Moron!
I happened to read her blog while at office and decided to take control of my life back!
After a bit of researching, I decided on the name Anwesha as it literally means ' the explorer ' in Sanskrit(which I happen to have studied while at school) and since I am exploring myself now... which I never did before, cause as far as I searched, when I was growing up and trying to make sense of things bout me, I just couldn't find any similar experiances or references in any library, and internet wasn't really available (Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were at hammerheads trying to capture the world but hadn't conquered India yet) as well as talking to any adult was like impossible. Firstly, sex was a taboo'ed topic and when I tried talking to my mom about ' wanting to talk ' well she was too busy (I don't blame her, it's difficult getting things out of me plus all I said to her was- "you've not been having time to talk to me") and that was when I was around ten!
So that meant, I just grew up as an awkward kid, who liked dressing up like a boy and behaving like one most of the time. Also, I stuck to my reading, studying and occasional walks, plainly saying- yeah, I was a loner, introvert, DEMURE...
All people knew about me was that I could outrun the boys at their games, that I had horrid tempers and could punch a guy in his face if he got on my wrong side (there are incidences of that having had happened a couple of times in my life)
So, mostly people kept away from me and I wasn't much bothered and never bullied(thanks to the outwardly fierce attitude that I kept up)
Also, that I wasn't that great at studies but languages I was great at, ( I stood 1st amongst all divisions in Marathi, Sanskrit and English and hardly managed to scrape through in Maths and Physics) and yes, that I could rhyme (yeah, my dad had this bad habit of showing of my poems in public, he's a poet too you know, and so was his dad as in my grand dad).
So I was mostly left to myself, never attended parties or social functions unless it involved my close family relations.
I didn't like popular culture, there was nothing that identified with me, so I never really evolved, an inquisitive cousin once asked me why there weren't any posters in my room. It was cause I wasn't exposed to anything i could relate to....
That's what I am in search of, that's what I am exploring, yes I am on a quest and it has no defined track, no treasure map like instructions...
Join my quest, maybe you might find a piece of your treasure map during my journey!
